Written by Felix Minderbinder
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Friday, 8 July 2005

image for Martians Object to "War of the Worlds" Remake, Issue Ultimatum
Martians over Manhattan

UNITED NATIONS, NY (UPI)-Humanity's first contact with an alien civilization occurred on Thursday when a large Martian spaceship appeared above the United Nations, shocking millions of New Yorkers. The craft radioed an objection to UN diplomats that the aliens "deeply resented" the recent remake of "War of the Worlds" by director Steven Spielberg, and gave Earthlings two days to cease screening the film in the planet's theatres. They also indicated they are looking for blood donors.

"Our Empire gave permission to Spielberg to use images of our tripod machines in the movie, as well as pictures of our own life forms," indicated the Martian statement. "But the movie went too far and violated our agreement by showing us to be rampaging, blood sucking monsters. We resent that and want all copies of the film destroyed. You have 48 Earth hours to comply."

For reasons of national security, the alien statement has not been broadcast yet on regular media channels, but a transcript has been leaked to the press. Despite the media and communications blackout, the Martian spacecraft continues to hover over Manhattan, and has been seen shining some sort of energy beam about, apparently identifying targets for future destruction. An estimated 95% of the New York population have fled the city.

"It's true that I was contacted by those Martians," said Spielberg in a telephone interview, "but those creatures gave me complete artistic freedom in the making of the movie, just as they'd given permission to H.G. Wells a long time ago to write the original book. There seems to be some sort of cultural or semantic misunderstanding here. I've authorized my agent to offer the aliens a higher percentage of the royalties from the film in a hope of resolving this business."

Yet the alien visitors are not showing much sympathy to the offer, and refuse to negotiate.

"We also need blood plasma, and lots of it," said Martian representative Vorgol-Seti Grssh3 in an interview with CBS News. "We are seeking human blood donors, and we'll pay well in Martian dollars. Please line up at the UN Plaza and we will pick you up with tentacles from our ship."

Actor Tom Cruise said that he wasn't going to donate any blood to the aliens.

"I thought the movie was just fiction," the outspoken actor said in a statement. "Spielberg never told us he'd been in touch with Martians. I'd like to teach them about Scientology and the dangers of psychiatry, but only as long as they stay peaceful."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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