The Surgeon General's office released a report today that cigarette smoking contains dangers other than just lung and throat cancer. Dewey Flintlock, official spokesman, said in an interview that these dangers are far reaching. "Have you ever noticed how a smoker will light a cigarette while sitting directly beneath a "no smoking" sign? They then will seem oblivious to the fact that what they are doing is not permitted in that area. It is obvious that smoking must cause either some form of blindness or illiteracy. We are commissioning a study to be conducted by Johns Hopkins to determine if it is blindness or illiteracy, though we are currently leaning towards the latter."
"Smokers will also flick their cigarette butts anywhere that seems convenient, including out of moving car windows or into the grass or wooded areas. Often, these are still burning and can cause fires. That this addictive drug would make otherwise law abiding citizens into arsonists and litter bugs is beyond belief, but those are the facts. Once again, we are pretty sure that this is a side effect of the tobacco use. Every action has a consequence. Criminal activity follows cigarette smoking. "
"A third side effect is the seeming inability to smell themselves. If this is a second of the senses to be lost, it is a travesty. Smokers just plain flat out stink, and make everything around them smell bad too. Early smokers know to use breath mints or air fresheners, but their sense of smell must die as they continue use. It is just plain awful."
"We have also done some research in the South. It seems that everyone that lives in Arkansas lives in a single-wide mobile home and smokes three packs a day. People who live in Utah don't smoke, and they all live in real houses or a few double-wides. What is the common link that would make someone want to live in Arkansas? It has to be the smoking."
"A lot of famous people smoke, and look what it does to them. The current Governor of California smokes, and he can barely speak English and has no acting ability. If you see his current pictures compared to what he looks like when he was Mister Universe, it is obvious that the tobacco in his cigars has brought him down."
"We plan to change the warning labels on cigarettes to read: Warning, the Surgeon General's office has determined that smoking is hazardous to your health in several ways: it makes you stink to everyone else, causes you to become illiterate and blind, brings you to commit criminal activity, have you move to a single-wide in Arkansas, and will cause you to die a painful, horrible death." We hope that this new warning will keep people away from tobacco products."
Arthur Shellfish of RJR disagreed with the findings. "We have evidence of our own that these findings are false. We have determined that anyone who smokes in the first place probably has nothing more than a third grade education and a deathwish. We value this segment of our society as our loyal customers and hope that they are continually replaced by new generations of near illiterates as the aging smokers die off one by one."
Festus Gunrack, a resident of Toad Suck, Arkansas (outside of Little Rock), had this to say in response to the Surgeon General's press release: "Whelp, so they think that smokin' is bad fer me? Ain't nothin' better than to get up early in the mornin', walk past the manure pile, set out here with the hawgs, and light up a cigarette while watching the sun come up. If'n I could read and write, I'd send a letter to someone if the guv'ment and complain about this foolishness. Why, everbody in these parts knows it was them fireflys that started that blaze out on the back forty, not someone throwing a loose butt. When my wife finishes hacking up a lung inside the trailer, I'll take her to get her chemo and then find me some fancy lawyer to rectify this sitiation."
After hearing Mr. Gunrack's comments, the Surgeon General's office slightly snickered and thanked him for supporting their case.