A new scientific report concludes that everything is bad for you! This includes all food and drink, all forms of exercise and all social and leisure activities - yes, folks, and that includes sex!
"I'm afraid the report proves that there is a serious health risk involved in everything that exists," said Professor Sidney Normal who was in charge of research during the extensive project. "Even stuff that doesn't exist should be treated with caution," he warned.
The enterprise - which took more than two years to complete - finally came to a conclusion last week when the report was made public.
"Food which was previously thought to be healthy, is in fact extremely dangerous. Apples, oranges, fresh vegetables - take my advice: don't touch them with a barge pole! It's just not worth it.
"Absolutely everything is bad for you, believe me: reading, jogging, laughing, stone-fronted terraced houses, foreign phrase books - you name it: it's dangerous.
"It really has been hard work getting to the bottom of all this. I feel like a good rest, but it really isn't worth taking the risk. I think I will just do nothing for a few weeks, it's the only way to survive," he told us.