The Centers for Disease Control, in a joint study with the Food and Drug Administration, the Mayo Clinic, and Johns Hopkins University announced today that laboratories cause cancer in expiremenatal test rodent subjects.
Spokesman David Blender said in a news conference that: "We started doing research into the number of mice and rats used in our expirements. After looking at the numbers that died of cancer due to different color dyes, nicotine, recreational drugs, artificial sweeteners, yogurt, and broccoli, we found that there were actually no lab rats or mice left over. In fact, no rodents have died of old age or natural causes in a laboratory in the United States in thirty years, with the noted exception of one stoned white mouse who got out of his maze and tried to attack the lab tech's cat. We consider his quick ingestion and death to be caused by the a reaction to the drug making him feel like super-rodent and not the fault of the siamese."
Because of this new evidence, the American CIvil Liberties Union has sued the F.D.A. and requested that they remove the warning labels from all products. Their official press release said that "they've removed colors of M&Ms and Kool-Aid because the dyes caused cancer. They made diet sodas change to nutra-sweet because other artificial sweeteners caused cancer. People can't smoke or dip or chew or chew because it can cause cancer. We've had to suffer through eating bran muffins because they prevent cancer or cholesterol or something. Now we find out that all of this is wrong."
"It is the position of the A.C.L.U. that all warning labels should be removed from all products and that new warning labels should be posted in all laboratories that state: "Caution, the C.D.C. has determined that laboratories can cause cancer in experimental animals." Furthermore, all animals entering such labs should be warned of this both verbally and in writing and should be required to watch a film, produced at government expense, on the dangers to their lives. Notarized copies of a release form signed by each animal should be kept on file with both the animal, the lab, and the C.D.C.. Animals should undergo routine medical exams and some form of cancer alert similar to radiaton badges should be developed."
The N.A.A.C.P. has requested statistics on the animal deaths to determine if there is any color bias or discrimination in the numbers of white, brown, or black rats and mice who have died in testing.
No animals could be reached for comment.