Written by Elgar Spline
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Topics: School, Medical

Friday, 3 June 2005

image for Hypernasopharyngeality linked to Stupidity
Large Nosed Exemplar

Today's issue of The Journal of the Ameriman Medical Association contained the results of clinical trials conducted by the Harvid Medical School Department of Psychonasopharyngealology that evaluated the correlation between Hypernasopharyngeality and intelligence quotient.

The startling results delineated a .98 probability that a person with a nose having a mass larger than a acorn squash would have a cortex slimmer than the width of a dime.

While the only sure way of determining cortical thickness is via autopsy, it has long been suspected in the scientific community that certain facial signs are indicators of cortical thinness. The studies at the Harvid Psychonasopharyngeological Institute are the first to link a particular feature, the nasopharyngeal malar process, to stupidity.

In the Large Nosed Exemplar shown here, a battery of intelligence tests placed his I.Q. between a ground squirrel's and a wolverine's, or 56 on the Bressler-Marron Glace' Equivalency Index of comparative cortical thickness and mammalian intelligence, long ago created by Nobel Laureate William Shockley in his ground-breaking experiments, which indicated that the subject's cortex should be .03 MM thick. The studies at the Harvid Psychonasopharyngeal Institue indicated that the subject's cortical depth would be .032 based on the psychonasophyrangeal scale that found his nasophyrangeal malar process to be equivalent to an acorn squash of 72 days growth. A difference of only .002 and well within the margin of error!

A core sample of the subject's cortex, removed shortly before this photo was taken, showed the cortical depth to be, in reality, .0321, and thus more closely estimated by the psychonasopharyngeal index than the Shockley Mammalian Equivalency Table! A stunning triumph for the Harvard team!

Correlatively, the experiment showed that homo sapiens have a native ability to judge cortical thickness by visual examination of facial features, absent further information.

For instance, when a randomly chosen group of people where asked to guess the exemplar's cortical thickness based only on his vacant stare and slack jaw, they unanimously responded, "He's an Idiot!" A traditional term for cortical thickness that correlates perfectiy with both the Shockly Mammalian Equivalency Table and the Harvard Psychonasopharyngeal Index!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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