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Thursday, 26 May 2005

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates today announced that talks with his counterpart Damion Lucifous of HadesTech had concluded in long term strategic alliance agreement. The "underground" talks concluded in less than a week, and both parties are reportedly extremely satisfied.

When asked about the surprise move, Gates responded, "When you look at the synergies of our enterprises, the writing was always on the wall, we just had to get together and make it happen. It is a victory for all Windows users."

Gates went on to explain that Microsoft's leading software package, Windows XP has captured 99% of the worldwide personal computer market, a number similar to that of HadesTech's premiere product, The Internet. Making them fully integrated would bring a new level of service and new capabilities that existing customers "could not dare fathom."

Electronic trading of Microsoft stock hit a fever pitch, with shares of the company surging 50% in the first hour before the trading was stopped. In another shocking development, the SEC implemented a blackout on floor trading of the shares when it discovered that the major stock exchanges were owned by the parent company of HadesTech.

The SEC and Justice department have filed several suits against the alliance, citing antitrust and antimatter concerns. Uriel Angelus, spokesman for a watchdog group downplayed the benefits of the merger. "These two companies have a history of horrible customer service, bug ridden products, and outright disregard for legal or any other authority. This idea is not only harmful to the consumer and country, some would say it is downright evil." Mr. Angelus went on to say the judgment in the case would be a "revelation like a bolt from the blue."

HadesTech Head Of Expansion, Forneus Satani, shown here with the Microsoft Chairmen, retorted. "This is a free country, and the attempt to regulate legitimate corporations in this way is just plain interference. We vigorously oppose all attempts to be regulated from on high, and will concentrate on providing what our customers really want at a fair price."

Response to the deal from the population was initially cool, with the Average Joe suspicious of the companies' checkered history. However, when Gates announced that the alliance would bring far greater bandwidth and less restrictions to the average user of The Internet, the reaction was overwhelmingly favorable.

"You can say what you want about Bill & the Black Prince, but you just can't argue with a faster net," quipped Thomas Heinlikin, a college student from Arkansas. Shelly Nibblard of New York agreed, "I could always used the speed and full screen, high definition video…you know, for recipes and stuff."

I significant side benefit to Microsoft is that the parent company of HadesTech has agreed to exclusive use of Microsoft products in all of its enterprise locations. When asked if there was any soul purchase options involved to get such large concession, Gates was smug. "No, no. We leveraged our souls years ago in the startup phase of the company. This was a simple matter of realizing the benefits of our suite of applications."

HadesTech and its parent are a privately owned enterprises, and so do not release financial statements. Calls to The Finance Officer were not immediately returned.

Full merger talks are now rumored to be in progress, but Mr. Gates said that is not his first priority. "There is one more market we have yet to tap. It looks like a long shot, but at Microsoft, we never say die."

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