A recent report written by some scientists somewhere up north suggests that babies are better off being fed pork pies and lidl scotch eggs than their mother's breast milk.
The study, written on the back of a broken furbie, advises mothers to stop letting their babies suckle from day 1. Scientists are approaching expecting mothers in the street, telling them to eat the delicious treats 'while cookin' da babby in da oven'.
Every mother knows that the planet Pluto is in fact made of lidl scotch egg, and that dark matter, is actually the excrement of the ginger one off of girls aloud if she has been eating the the lidl pork, bread and egg globules. Mothers are now learning that their breast milk is bob the builder character 'Satan's' blood.
Child welfare spokesman, Pope Benedict the six…fifth…yeah… fifteenth? Told us today through his translator that he was fed on pork pies even when he was inside the womb of his mother, Mrs God.
"Mummy would pass them up through her holy passages to me, I remember once, she passed me up a crate of Guinness. At 4 months before my birth, I had never drunk Guinness, only john smiths extra smooth, needless to say I was off my face after the 12th can, so I went for a kebab".
Prime Minister, Davey 'deep throat' Cameron had this to say; "Hooooooo! Whooo… whoo whoo! Whoop whoop whoop! Oop, oop ooooop aaaaaw yeaaah, aaaaaaw goodness me… oh yes, oh god yes".
We probably shouldn't have interviewed him while he was watching antiques road show.
Next week, we talk to Rickard Dawkins about rice pudding… "It's gods smegma!".