A small mining town in East Texas has been the epicentre of a new disease called Magnetic Testicle Syndrome(MTS)
Dr. Dick Thorn MD of East Texas Medical Centre explains
'A patient arrived at the centre who could not get off his bike. At first, we thought it was super glue on the bike seat, we get that alot in ER. But soon we discovered his testicles were magneticaly attracted to the metal part of the bike seat. We took the bike seat off the bike but still could not remove it from the crotch without causing discomfort to the patient. So we put him in the non metalic, plastic surgery ward until a specialist urologist from New York arrives'
But Dr. Dick became worried when later in his shift, his stethoscope became magnetically attracted to his crotch.
'It was bizarre, I was examining the patient when suddenly the stethoscope just jumped to my crotch, I could just hear my balls through the stethoscope'
Male Medics are now refusing to treat victims of MTS for fear of contracting the highly contagious disease. One surgeon is in intensive care with a metal scalpel injury to the groin after contracting the disease during a routine appendix removal.
Walking through the waiting room of the Medical centre, I came across Cleatus and Jock, Texans thru and thru, still in their American football gear
'We was just playing ball, when we went dang dog into a ruck, suddenly me and Cleatus got magneticly joined to each others crotches, weez ain't gays or nathing! Tis the (MTS) Dat right Jock, quit moving while ya talking to that darn nosey reporter'
However, looking in the waiting room of the Medical Centre it is clear MTS is impacting on females lives as well.
Kate Ormless explains
'I was just walking down the high street, when my metalic hook hand pulled me towards a male stranger's crotch. It was a nightmare, he thought I was attacking him. Finally, my arm detached in the struggle. Im just here in the centre to get my arm hook back, it cost be $8000. They tell me the hook is still attached to a man in the plastics ward who got MTS, so I guess I will be armless for another day'
Scientists are baffled by the epidemic but it appears some residents of East Texas may have developed 'Balls of Steel' Scientists are now studying the origins of the term 'Balls of Steel' to see if there was actually a basis of reality to the saying percieved in modern times as metaphorical.
Ancient Roman Classicist Tony Robinson explains, the origins of the term 'Balls of Steel' derives from gladiators being described as having "Ferrous Bollokus" which we historians often translated as being brave.
However, the meaning may have been literal, as Ferrus Bollokus translates as Iron Balls.
'If this is the case it could be an epidemic of Magnetic Testicle Sydrome (MTS) wiped out the gladiators, pre-empting the fall of the Roman Empire and the Classical world'
The question is can today's civilisation cope with an epidemic of Magnetic Testicle Syndrome (MTS) ?