MESMARIA, Md. -- Scientists have been disturbed for decades about why Mars' southern polar cap is offset from its geographical south pole. It was getting so that these scientists were damaging their health over the issue.
It appears now that these scientists will be fine, having solved the long, gnawing mystery that was debilitating their lives.
"A pair of different localized climates are to blame," said Reinhold Pushparty, one of the concerned scientists who had not slept an entire night since discovering the cap was offset many decades ago. "I walked around like a zombie I have been so sick about it all. Now I can sleep again."
Elsinore Berry, one of the brightest females ever to study Mars, is also relieved. "My sex life was a wreck for one," she said. "Without a set southern polar cap on Mars I could not have an orgasm. Now I intend to explode."
Other scientists are also on the road to recovery from how the offset polar cap affected them. Three checked into the Betty Ford Center and one threw up a lunch he had that had given him an upset stomach since 1957.
Berry said, "Weather generated by the two climates creates conditions that cause the southern polar ice to freeze into a cap with a center that lay or lies-I never knew the correct way to say that-about 150 kilometers from the actual south pole."
"I wonder how many other people were showing symptoms of disease because of this?" asked Wonderman Scopeman, a space scientist from Updale Research Center. "We all should feel better now, though. Even those of us who were mysteriously ill. I think it was all because of the offset pole on Mars."
The concerned scientists, who had all taken up smoking before the recent discovery, will be going on vacation for a spell, all of them going cold turkey.
"My bad habits that were picked up due to my concern over the offset cap on Mars are a lot like the craters anchored by the low-pressure system that dominates the southern polar ice cap," said Hubert Hollarstem, another affected scientist.
"The eastern hemisphere of the south pole region gets very little snow, and clear ice forms over the Martian soil there," Berry said. "And that makes me want to put on a tight bathing suit and show most of my bottom on the beach. I feel that free now."