Written by Charpa93
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Sunday, 12 September 2010

image for Dark Matter Found in 6-Month Old Fast Food Hamburger Patty

Physicist Moby Ustrip from Simi Valley, California has just published a scientific paper that is poised to set the world of physics on its ear. For years now, Ustrip has been studying the theory of dark matter first introduced in 1933 by Swiss astrophysicist Fritz Zwicky to explain the fact that 90% or more of our universe simply just isn't there.

Scientists from all over the world since reading Zwicky's theory have been searching for the matter that makes up dark matter without success. They've gone to the depths of the ocean, into space, even a mile down into the earth's crust where minerals are mined in search of the elusive missing matter.

And then, quite by accident, Ustrip ventured into his teenage son, Valdeck's room searching for his Led Zeppelin Anniversary Disc Set and spotted something protruding from underneath Valdeck's bed. Upon further inspection it appeared to be a fast food bag with a half-eaten hamburger inside. The receipt still in the bag had a date of February 16, 2010.

Said Ustrip when asked what compelled him to conduct matter tests on the half-eaten hamburger, "I don't know why I did it. I guess because ever since I became interested in this theory of missing matter, I have found myself turning over rocks, checking under couch cushions, even searching the lint catcher in the dryer trying to figure out just where that dark matter might be. I figured it couldn't hurt to test this half-eaten burger seeing as it had amazing properties of its own. Let's face it; no one has ever seen a fast food hamburger disintegrate like other foods over time. The enigma of that alone is what possessed me to test it."

Ustrip's findings are just the beginning. It is estimated that roughly 3.5 million uneaten portions of fast food burgers can be found in the world's trash heaps, which hopefully will now bring the total of unaccountable dark matter down in the 40-60% range. Ustrip says that uneaten fast food burgers may only be one part of the puzzle, one drink used to wash them down, the chocolate shake, may hold the key to finding more dark matter. As with the burgers, a chocolate shake, if left on a shelf for months will not grow mold no matter what the conditions.

If these theories prove to be true, not only will Ustrip's findings set world of physics on its ear, but make 85% of the world's population walking physics experiments.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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