Written by Frank Cotolo
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Topics: Scientists, Extinct

Wednesday, 4 May 2005

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Two snails some thought extinct.

ROBUST, Ind. - A trio of snails thought by most scientists and laymen to be extinct has been rediscovered in the Coosa and Cahaba rivers, according to reports from the Coosa and Cahaba rivers.

Rip Scornsby, a mollusk biologist who recently won a hot-dog-eating contest at an early season's fair in Missouri, rediscovered the "cobble elimia" and the "nodulose" Coosa River snail while diving in the Coosa River searching for a contact lens that popped out of his right eye when an oar from his rowboat hit him in the head accidentally while being moved from one side of the rowboat to the other by a mentally challenged relative.

Cecilia Lumbago, a medical student from Australia, stumbled onto a Cahaba pebblesnail on a trip to the Cahaba River in Bibb County while she was being photographed as "Hot Aussie Babe of the Month" by Hot Aussie Babe Magazine.

Alabama has long been known to be the nation's top spot for extinct snails and mussels that once lived, bred and looked ugly in river beds. Many of these useless creatures were lost as dams were built along the Coosa River from 1917 to 1967, which was the longest period it ever took to build a few little dams.

Alabama dam expert Morrie Syncopated said, "The dams took so long to build because only laborers with one arm were employed to do the construction. Usually, dams built by men with two arms go up faster."

In recent years, many have discovered snail species hiding in streams between dams, where the Coosa retains some of its original habitat. Fisherman Bob Bunkomatic found one and reported it. "Smelled terrible," he said, "and it looked like a corkscrew."

Wendy Sputuni was diving below Lake Logan Martin and found two species that had not been spotted since the dams altered the flow of the river. Sputuni was accompanying a smut salesman to the Cahaba River National Wildlife Refuge when she found a Cahaba pebblesnail that had not been spotted since 1965.

"I told them," Wendy said, "that the last time I saw one of these critters no one cared except Parson Buildings, and he told me to impale the thing with a skewer if I couldn't find a Swiss Army Knife."

Sputuni has found several other species believed to be extinct, but rarely believed anyone believed they were extinct. "One I found is pretty," she said in her thick southern accent. "I've always said it was my favorite snail because if you looked at it real close it had a smile like Ken Berry. I don't think it was extinct because I found one. Extinct to me means kaput, no more."

The Cahaba pebblesnail is little, round, yellow, spotted, thin, shiny and only about a quarter of an inch long has been called the most popular snail ever seen by blue collar workers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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