Written by Elizabeth
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Topics: Food, Hitler

Monday, 5 December 2005

image for Food Allergens A Hoax
Some nuts last Christmas

A shocking report released yesterday by controversial nutritionalist, Professor Sol T. MacAdamias, claims that food allergens are a hoax, like Piltdown Man and Hitler's Diaries.

The barmy boffin said, "there has been a lot of press recently about people collapsing all over the place after eating foods that contain things like nuts and stuff, but the whole shenanigans have been exaggerated way out of proportion. Whiny individuals are using allergens as a way of not having to eat foods they simply don't like, or for work-shy slackers to get a few days off work."

"Under laboratory conditions we fed tripe, jellied eels and escargot to a bunch of volunteers, or was it some lay-about psychology students, anyway, although the skin scratch tests did not indicate there would be a negative response on consumption, the test group were soon holding their throats and gagging, thus proving that allergenic reactions are psychosomatic."

The statement has caused indignation among anaphylaxis societies who claim that not enough is being done to protect people from hidden allergens in manufactured food stuffs.

"Products are being labelled as ‘May Contain Allergens', but they need to go one step further and tell us not to eat it as well," simpered a so-called allergen-awareness campaigner. "I ate a Topic," she continued. "It said ‘Contains Hazelnuts' on the wrapper. I am allergic to this type of nut but it did not go on to say ‘Individuals allergic to hazelnuts must not eat this delicious confection of light nougat and chocolate'. My throat swelled up like a beach ball. So I called Claims Direct and they got me £2,700."

Peanut brittle manufacturers were rubbing their hands with glee. "We have seen retail sales treble since this report came out," said Mr. K. P. Knutts. "We are hoping for similar trends with sugared almonds, pecan pie and walnut whips."

The former lead singer with 70's folk band Pickety Witch, Sheila Russell, famous for being allergic to modern day life and spending most of her life in a bubble was unavailable for comment. "She's had a severe reaction to the telephone receiver," said an intensive care nurse.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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