WASHINGTON DC - Following the lead of Health Canada, the FDA announced that three U.S. pharmaceutical companies were given the green light to market an over the counter pain killer that is made from marijuana. The aspirin-like pills are to be taken up to 12 times a day for the slightest discomfort or minor pain. Side effects include euphoria, increased sexual desire, and the munchies.
The Canadian drug known as Sativex is to be available only by prescription for pain associated with multiple sclerosis. What a bummer! For once, the U. S. Federal Drug Administration seems to be getting out in front of the public demand for a cheap over the counter marijuana based pill.
A trade group representing Krogers, IGA, Publix, Albertsons, Vons, Winn-Dixie, Food Lion, Giant Eagle, Pathmark, and Piggly Wiggly announced plans to distribute free samples of the marijuana pills to customers as they enter the front door. "Our research shows that customers that have "the munchies" buy 300% more potato chips, and up to five times the amount of marshmallows, salsa, and ice cream as our regular shoppers."
FDA Project Manager, Dr. Thomas Chong spoke to reporters about the new marijuana pill: "Wow, man this is really cool. I've been testing this new product myself for the past few months and it really does a number on me! No more having to fuss with all those rolling papers and bongs… just pop a few of these little green pills, turn on some good tunes, and lay back."
Spoof reporter: "But Dr. Chong, are you saying that the FDA hired you of all people to introduce a marijuana pill that just anyone can take?"
Dr. Chong: "Yeah, I saw a personnel advertisement they were running - I think it was in High Times - looking for someone that knew a lot about pot. So, I figured I was their man. It was a great interview… I brought some of my best stash along, and you know… Uh… I forgot… what was I saying?"
The new pot based pain pill is already creating quite a controversy. Reverend Jerry Falwell said that he was disgusted by the idea of marijuana pills, but asked that he be given several sample bottles.
According to White House sources, President Bush has already tried the new pills and likes them very much. White House Advisor Karl Rove has been given the task of going shopping at every drug store and supermarket in the Washington DC area.