DETROIT, Michigan -- Scientists have discovered what appears to be the first known black hole resting near the automotive center of the Milky Way Galaxy. It apparently resides in a region known as the Big Three Halo, a vast sphere of sparsely populated space that was once associated with the Ford Galaxy.
The object's presence was deduced from the effects of frame-dragging. According to Einstein's theory of general relativity, rotating bodies like black holes twist spacetime around themselves, a phenomenon known as frame-dragging.
The effect was first noticed in Detroit by two unemployed physicists, Josef Lehman and Hans Sebring. Last July, Lehman and Sebring were startled to hear that Detroit automakers were already unveiling new 2011 models.
"We knew that couldn't possibly be right," said Lehman. "We clearly remembered using the last of our welfare checks that afternoon to buy some Easter candy that was still on clearance!"
Upon further investigation, Lehman and Sebring were startled to find that the monetary circulation of a pint-sized black hole located near the financial center of the city has dragged the entire Detroit economy out of position compared with the predictions of trickle-down physics.
The newly discovered black hole is estimated to be about the size of a wealthy auto executive's pocket. It sucks money and life out of the city, and will eventually swallow it.
Recently, President Obama's $50 billion investment in Detroit automakers was expected to pull Detroit from the brink of a financial event horizon and provide much needed jobs.
Instead, the black hole sucked the money through a tax wormhole and into a parallel tax bracket, taking Detroit's unemployment rate to Great Depression levels as it drags the economy backward through spacetime - even while new year models inexplicably pop into existence months ahead of schedule.
In fact, Lehman and Sebring say the effects are so severe that they might best be explained by three such objects operating in tandem.
"At any rate, we can only expect these peculiar effects to last another couple of decades or so," they said. "By then, the black holes most likely will have consumed Detroit completely."
In the meantime, Lehman and Sebring are hoping to land jobs with area auto manufacturers, who expect to have 2012 models ready to roll by Black Friday.