Written by Noshing Mink
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Topics: Gay

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

image for "Most homosexuals are gay", says Peter Tatchell
Roman gladiator with long hair and skirt, not so gay but possibly homosexual

Annoying busy body Peter Tatchell has announced that most homosexuals are in fact gay.

The news was received with stunned silence, with most newspapers afraid of appearing bigoted, and therefore refusing to publish it. Gay charities welcomed the announcement, saying that they had suspected it for many years but didn't have the statistics to prove it.

Tatchell, who spends all his time irritating people, also announced that almost all lesbians are gay, also.

Society has always demonstrated a quiet ambivalence about homosexuals, transvestites, transsexuals and gays, with very few people knowing the difference and most people being afraid to ask. Homosexuality was thought to have been imported to England by the French during the Norman Conquest, with William I's son William Rufus being the first practising homosexual, according to the Doomsday Book. Hence, the medieval times are often associated with homosexuality, which explains many everyday phrases, such as "I'll get medieval on your ass". By contrast, many Saxons were simply described as "merry" or "gay". The best known of these was well-known outlaw and forest-dweller Robin Hood, who used to live with a large group of men all of whom wore unusual clothes for the times. Historians now believe that Robin Hood may have been homosexual, which would mean that homosexuality predated the Norman Conquest.

Indeed, classic historians point out that during Ancient Greece, virtually all men were bisexual (a sort of part-time homosexuality) and some even preferred the company of animals, as recorded in Ovid's Metamorphoses, which recounts tales of men and women copulating with an assortment of woodland animals and producing rather peculiar offspring.

As for transvestites, it is believed that these are people who wake up on the wrong side of their bed and accidentally go to work wearing their wife's clothes. Due to the British people's natural distaste for confrontation, nobody ever points it out to them and they get called "transvestite" for want of a better word.

By contrast, transsexuals are people who change gender. The gender change can occur without warning, often leading to embarrassment, for example, if the subject is engaged in sexual intercourse at the time.

Grateful acknowledgment to the Oxford English Dictionary.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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