Written by Luke Morton
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Topics: Scientists, Birth

Monday, 18 April 2005

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Mavis Before Testing

In an animal testing facility on the outskirts of the city of Memphis, Tennessee - scientists were alarmed by the sudden rapid growth of a certain breed of iguana after being fed a considerable amount of birth-control pills.

Dr. Lance Zarkoff of Ani-Test Labs, has reportedly been feeding the iguana (Mavis) up to and beyond 40 birth-control pills a day; in accordance with the animal testing law 1992. He said "Mavis gained way over 300lbs in the past 36 hours and is continuing to grow despite the fact we have stopped feeding her". Fellow scientists within the animal testing facility will not go near Mavis as they see her as a death threat and could easily devour them whole.

So far, Mavis is still locked up in her tank but she has been reported to be pressed up against the edges and is expected to burst out of her tank in the next 24 hours. If Mavis does break free she will undoubtedly set her sights on the scientists who fed her the birth-control pills.

Prof. Kevin Klondike, who has a degree in extreme animal behaviour, believes that Mavis could have gained "powers". In a recent interview he stated that "Mavis could quite possibly have contracted some kind of super powers like X-Ray vision or even invisibility". If this is true, it is expected that Mavis could wipe out the city of Memphis within 6 weeks.

The United States army has already been contacted and is currently on 'beige alert'. If Mavis does begin to terrorize Memphis then heavy duty nuclear missiles will be deployed to try and dispose of her as fast as possible before she can kill or attack any more people. The police and fire department are also on hand for a prominent iguana attack and are patrolling the perimeter of Ani-Test Labs constantly.

The idea of putting down Mavis was suggested in a recent meeting of the scientists, but it was declined. Many scientists feel that killing Mavis would be inhumane, which is ironic for an animal testing facility. However Mavis is 'one of a kind' and should be studied for scientific purposes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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