Alexa Ray Joel, the daughter of bug-eyed songsmith Billy Joel and Supermodel Christie Brinkley, has been diagnosed with Mariska Hargitay Syndrome (MHS) --an autoimmune disorder that temporarily suppresses mitochondrial DNA in fetuses, allowing only the father's DNA to dictate things like facial features and talent-- and doctors believe it may have led to her 2009 suicide attempt.
MHS is named after Law & Order SVU actress Mariska Hargitay, whose mother was second tier blonde bombshell Jayne Mansfield. It is believed that Hargitay suffered from the disorder at conception, causing her to look like a lantern-jawed linebacker with a pixie haircut, despite her mother being a hot piece of ass.
"It used to bother me as a child," said Hargitay, who at 3 1/2 was riding in the backseat of the car that killed her mother at age 32. "My mother was blonde and beautiful, my father looked like a extra on 'Jersey Shore,' I think I have some of my mother's beauty."
"She absolutely does not have any of her mother's beauty. It is medically impossible," said UCLA Medical Center Chief of Mitochondrial Fusterclucks Dr. Ayh Peladay. "Plus, well... look at her: Her mom was Marilyn Monroe-hot, but in a less chubby, more slutty way. Mariska looks like Tim Curry in 'Rocky Horror'." *
MHS also takes a tremendous psychological toll on its victims. This may be the cause for Alexa Ray Joel's suicide attempt.**
"When you realize that her mother is Christie F--king Brinkley, and she ended up looking like a cross between her father and a beagle, you can see why she'd want to end it." said Dr. Peladay.
"I used to drink a lot to suppress the depression MHS brought on," said Liza Minnelli, the daughter of kinda-cute singer Judy Garland and director Vincente Minnelli, who looks like a duck-billed platypus with a moustache. "If only my mother married Cary Grant. But, you know, my mother wasn't a chubby 14 year-old boy, so Cary wasn't interested."
Fortunately for young ladies suffering from MHS today, like Madonna's daughter Lourdes, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, Violet Affleck, and Justin Bieber, there are treatments available.
"We were nearly able to scrape all of Courtney Love's DNA out of Frances Bean, and Suri Cruise looks almost human now," said Dr. Peladay. "We now turn our attention to Jamie Lynn Spears' daughter, and all of Jon and Kate's mistakes: The youngest victims of this terrible disease.
(* Other transvestites considered for this joke included RuPaul, John Leguizamo in "To Wong Foo..." and Michelle Obama. )
(** According to recent published reports, all of a sudden Alexa Ray didn't try to kill herself, she "accidentally took too much of a homeopathic pain medicine." What-the-f--k-ever, historical revisionists. I still think she realized she looks like a God damned Praying Mantis, and decided to off herself.)