Written by C. Cranium
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Topics: Terrorism, Birds

Thursday, 29 July 2010

image for Endangered Condors Terrorize Beach Bathers
Stay in chair to avoid be taken for carrion.

California Condors released into the wilds, high above the beach line, feed on carrion like dead deer or seals. The southern and central coastline is the Condor's former habitat and biologists expected the few birds that were released to thrive.

Thrive the Condors have and several new mating pairs have produced little guys for the continuance of the species. After six months or so the young birds begin to fly and explore the territory. Eventually the birds grow to have a ten-foot wingspan. The born-in the-wild birds are less than conditioned to humans, unlike their parents who could tell that the mother condor feeding them was a sock on somebody's hand.

Now adolescent birds with wingspans approaching adult Condors have discovered a treasure trove of carrion laying on secluded beaches. Startled nude sunbathers, with sunscreen, have awoken to adolescent Condors pecking at their extremities. The terrified sunbathers usually jump up and the Condors abandon the meal since it is disgustingly alive and too green or unripe to eat. A couple of cases have been more severe bites where the victim was drunk and awoke slowly.

Floppy inflatable balloons, twenty to thirty foot in lenth, have been placed on several nude beaches with the hopes that the movement would deter the Condors from approaching sunbathers, especially the one that look like dead seals.

Biologists are disappointed with the development especially since there is plenty of carrion along the inaccessible to humans shoreline. One beach has a fellow nude bather who plays and practices the trombone all day. It is known that Condors hate the sound of a trombone. This beach has had the best success in avoiding reoccurrence of Condor and human interaction.

If the trombone solution continues to prove itself successful, the State of California has agreed to create jobs for six nude trombone players that will protect both bathers and endangered species.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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