Just minutes after doctors at Sloane-Kettering announced that it had discovered a cure for Spermatorrhea, a swarm of angry sufferers of the disease broke into Kettering's labs, destroying the treatment.
Spermatorrhea, whose cause is believed to be neurological inpairment in the brain's AdrianaLimas boneriferous region, causes frequent, involuntary orgasm and ejaculation in sufferers.
"I've been suffering with Spermatorrhea for 11 years," said a world-famous Cablinasian golfer who wishes to remain anonymous. "For me and Rachel, and Jamie, Kalika, Mindy, Cori, Holly, Joslyn, Loredana, Elin, Julie, Theresa and Raychel, it's been the best years of our lives. Why the f--k would I want a cure?"
Historically, Spermatorrhea was treated by avoiding masturbation for up to six months. Other doctors though this treatment was, at best, barbaric.
"I stopped for, like, a week, and it didn't work at all" said one sufferer. "I usually can tell when I am going to have an . . . episode. Once I stopped baloney-bopping, the attacks came on without warning."
Spermatorrhea is believed to be one of the rarest afflictions known to man: "A rich English pop singer is more likely to develop malaria," Kettering researchers wrote, "than a man is likely to develop this disorder.
The disorder was first mentioned in a book entitled "Difeafes of Ye Cuftard Chucker," written in 1692:
Even when there is a natural weakness which leads to over frequent losses of creme de cock, very much can be accomplished by cold bathing, regular exercise, an unstimulating diet, and bloodletting. It is safe to say that this is a disease which never occurs in a person who submits his life to thorough hygienic regulations; and it is, therefore, a disease which we hope soon to see almost unknown to the young men of our day.
"Why the f--k would I want to be cured?" asked Andy Stitzer, a 41 year-old stereo salesman. "Because I've never had the company of a lady, release for me was an agonizing routine of punchin' the munchkin, then praying for forgiveness."
"Now, every day is like playing the Manjam lottery! I could be taking out the garbage then, 15 seconds later, my underpants look like someone left the lid off the smoothie blender!"
Sloan Kettering has not decided to reinstate the research.