Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 22 July 2010

image for Social Networking Tools Make You a Sedentary Fat Bastard
Social Networking God. Reported to have 397 close friends.

Studies by the World Health Organization consortium known as the "Gastro-Intestinal Researchers, Therapists and Hospitals", have indicated that the typical social networking tool addict, has a 97% chance of being or becoming a grotesquely fat bastard.

Swedish head of G.I.R.T.H., Doctor Hans Onnamyrolls tells reporters, "We have significant evidence to show that social networking websites and tools like Nosebook, Tweeter, MySpice, Orkuut, Classmates, Specialty Chat Rooms and Blogs, are causing a dramatic growth in the human mid-section".

The doctor elaborated on a little known dichotomy of social networking sites by saying, "You don't actually meet anybody. Most of these people stay indoors, never leave the house, never pry themselves up from their computer chairs (except to retrieve a double Whopper from the local Burger King), never engage in any human interaction, but yet claim they have hundreds of friends. Sad really."

To fight this growing trend and the nomenclature surrounding the fallacy of today's definition of social networking, Onnamyrolls unveiled his own new networking site called GOYAM. Short for "Get Off Your Ass, Man", Goyam users can only input meeting events and introductions that are outdoors. "Real conversations with real people, that's what networking is all about", says Onnamyrolls.

The doctor initiated the first event himself, calling for members to meet in Central Park in New York. Though his intentions were to have a nice sized group stretch their legs around the walking paths, Onnamyrolls was disappointed when only two showed up for the event. One weighing in at 375 pounds who thought the bus ride over was too strenuous, and the other at 280 pounds though standing at only 5 foot 2 inches and adorned with a Spiderman T-Shirt.

While Onnamyrolls greeted both participants, neither felt up to the stroll or the conversation. The shorter of the two was heard to declare "Spidey Rules" as Onnamyrolls walked away. Both were seen holding a danish in their left hand and an iPhones in their right to check messages and posts.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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