Does your new phone have a sharper, more vibrant, higher-resolution screen than you dreamed possible, an impressive 5-megapixel camera you can use to edit and create your own movies and take beautiful, detailed photos - even in low light - but you can't even use it to make a damned phone call?
Well, Steve Jobs says to stick it up your ass.
"Let me be blunt," said the stupid smart phone's creator. "I've dedicated my entire life to dumbing down technology just so these idiots can spend their entire lives watching videos and playing video games at the touch of an icon. My new phone does pretty much everything but wipe your ass, so if you don't think the reception is good enough, up yours!
"Look, just put a fucking piece of tape over the antenna connection like it says in the Consumer's Report and get over it!" shouted Jobs, clearly annoyed. "For Christ's sake, do I have to do everything?"
The beleaguered CEO went on to explain that people will probably still camp out in the streets next year to be the first in line for his next phone, so it really doesn't matter what he does anyway.
Attorneys for the company strongly cautioned that their insurance plan for the uPhone 4 does not cover damages to the device or its user following a rectal insertion.