Written by Awkward Stanley
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Wednesday, 6 April 2005

image for Recent College Study Suggests Numbers Are Useless, Ugly
The SST continues its tireless search for nothing

According to students conducting lab research at the University of Southern California, most, if not all of the research collected in these labs is undoubtedly worthless. "We have found that the data from our experiments serves no purpose whatsoever, and I personally think our success comes from the study's inherent lack of credibility." said Maria Richardson --the head of USC's statistical science team (SST).

Not only has the team agreed that all of the data is futile, some of the members have had enough of the numbers themselves. "It's totally cool if [the data] is useless" said chemical engineer Garret Franklin, "but the numbers we've collected are so darn ugly. I can hardly bear to look at them." Franklin then went on to list his least favorite digits, much to the displeasure of his fellow students.

The school, known for its historical past, stands behind the students' results. USC, as we all know, is recognized around the world for the infamous acceptance of Greece's "Trojan" horse. The Spoof attempted to contact Brad Pitt for comment on the subject but was turned away. A spokesman for the actor, who portrayed Achilles in the movie Troy, said that Pitt declined to comment and was "just too busy washing his hair."

The SST also found a flaw in the teaching methods of their supervisor, Dr. Jonathan Adams "It seems to me that Professor Adams is going about collecting information all wrong" said Elmo Mendez, USC's in-house criticstician, "...he wants us to look for what he calls ' the facts'."

The university's Dean, Rutherford Proctor, had this much to say about his staff's involvement in the study: "We cannot have teachers interfering with the education of our kids, however, the situation has been resolved and the students are back to their useless research."

Over the coming days and weeks, the SST hopes to uncover stronger arguments against studies of any kind. "At the end of the day" as Richardson puts it, "...the only thing standing in our way is logic and, and once we overcome that, the possibilities are quite limited."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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