Written by Andrew Hatch
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Topics: School

Sunday, 20 June 2010

"The kid really let him have it, both barrels!" says Principal Wilson of Loloway Middle School.

Near a freshly mown lawn one morning a local nerd was being interrogated by a known bully for the contents of his pockets. The nerd received a few warning shoves but remained adamant that he would keep his money, a total amount of $4.75. After a few more heated exchanges, the bully tackled the nerd shouting "I'm gonna pound the puke out of you!" Landing in a mound of fresh grass cuttings the bully attempted to grab the elastic band of his prey's underwear in hopes of giving him the "Atomic" wedgie.

While the bully was scrambling the nerd felt a perceptible tingle welling up in his nose. The imminent sneeze exploded in four consecutive bursts. The rapid-fire "snot rockets" blanketed the aggressor in a thick layer of yellowish mucus. Fleeing the scene, the bully was last seen in the hallway bathroom blubbering and trying to wash the slime out of his eyes.

In the aftermath of his humble victory the nerd's only words were "Do you have a tissue; there's boogers in my hair."

When brought before the Principal Wilson the incident was shrugged off saying "Good for the dweeb, 'bout time he learned some self defense. He's been getting his ass kicked since he got here."

The most outspoken party proved to be the bully's father who came from work to pick up his traumatized son.

"I thought this was America? The school can't just let kids be shooting snot around. If you're a nerd or a geek you deserve to get beaten up, it's our culture for Christ sakes! That kid had it coming and he had no right to retaliate to my son. I'll tell you what, when allergy season is over my kid is going to really going to work that kid over. How is the youth of our great nation going to prosper without being persecuted for being losers?"

Debates over this new anti-bullying maneuver are raging in chess-clubs all over the nation. Some claim that this new tactic of self defense may finally put nerds on an equal playing field while others maintain that in the long term beatings will become more severe in months with less airborne pollen. However, most have agreed that the "booger bomb" is a potent deterrent to bullying even if it does provide only seasonal relief.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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