Steve Jobs, the robo-Prime Minister of the Apple juggernaut, plans to write history while rewriting some dubious parts of its own history, by stating that it will use former technologies once deemed to be commercial failures to cap the oil puker in the Gulf Coast.
"Time and time again I have explained that Apple's technology can not fail," said Jobs during a press conference in the hyperbaric chamber where his head is kept alive. "It may have to be repurposed, but it does not fail. Now, kneel before me!"
Apple's multi-step process was set forth as follows:
1.) An submersible vehicle will be sent to the Gulf floor, using Apple Cyberdog's "Oil Spill browser.
2.) 36'' wide PVC tubing will be attached at the base of the leak via the submersible.
3.) Hundreds of thousands of pounds of unsold Apple Lisa computers and Apple Pippin media players will flow into the tube until the leak is plugged.
4.) A layer of concrete will be poured over the mess, which will be covered with hundreds of $7500.00 20th Anniversary Macintoshes.
5.) A final layer of Macintosh TVs, briefcase-sized Macintosh Portables, and every single $1000 Newton PDA ever manufactured will clog the hole, effective choking off the oil supply with tons of crappy electronics.
Jobs ended the press conference by igniting smoke bombs at his feet, laughing fiendishly, then disappearing into the night.