Apple (AAPL) CEO Steve Jobs could hardly contain himself at a press conference early Tuesday when he unveiled the newest ridiculously super awesome Apple product "Ladies and Gentleman, we've done it again, I'm here to announce to you today that you no longer have to worry about the afterlife, no there's not an App for that ahahaha, there's a whole new product! The Apple iGod takes religious beliefs out of your hands and puts them where they belong, with Apple."
Jobs had to take a short recess about halfway through the press conference after he spent 7 straight minutes seething "Joinnnnnnn Ussssssssss."
Consumer reaction was as expected, fanatic. Apple fans were eager to buy the product and talk down to people who were yet to purchase the iGod as soon as possible. "I mean, it's just like, every other company is just all about money, but ya know, like, Apple just understands me, the way they make their products in like different colors and different sizes and stuff, that just lets me know they're driven by the concerns of the customer, not corporate greed" said a unique college student wearing thick black rimmed glasses, torn jeans, and a plaid shirt from Express that was owned by only 489 other kids on campus.
Later adding, "It's not like they made a 43 billion dollar profit last year, they don't even care about the money."
"At Apple we have revolutionized revolutions, we're all about being ahead of the pack, we dramatically altered personal computers, we changed MP3 players forever and when other companies made superior products and sold them for less money, you know what we did? We added mother-fucking colors to our shit and charged $20 more; I mean have you ever seen a pink Zune? Maybe in fucking Hell!" Screamed a visibly exuberant Jobs.
The captivated crowd hung on his every word. "Speaking of Hell, that's something you no longer have to worry about, with the Apple iGod, you don't have to be stressed out by "free will" or the outcome of Judgment Day. People no longer have to be concerned with Heaven or Hell because Apple has brought those things to you. None of the joys in Heaven can compete with the feeling of owning the newest Apple product before your family, friends and co-workers. And if you've never owned one of our revolutionary products, then I think you know what Hell is, listening to everyone talk about how revolutionary they are.
Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft was eager to weigh in on the criticism of his iPod competitor, however his press conference came to a screeching halt when he had to explain that he was indeed, not Bill Gates.
"Look, I know I'm not Bill Gates, God knows my gold-digging whore of a wife reminds me of that each morning, but I'm the CEO of Microsoft now and after 10 years of being dominated by Apple, we think its time to possibly consider making a change sometime in the future, maybe" said an exasperated Ballmer, although the quote couldn't be verified because pretty much everyone stopped giving a fuck when they realized Gates would not be present. The remainder of the afternoon was consumed by Ballmer convincing an uninterested crowd of how "it was still really cool" to be the 43rd richest person in the world.
Religious organizations around the country, particularly the Catholic Church, were not pleased. Pope what's his name was a specifically vocal opponent. "This is ridiculous, you can't just make up some crazy story about how things will be when you die and expect people to believe it. Think about it, these people literally created an illusion that doesn't actually have any merit or proof. It's as if they are simply trying to brainwash people into worshipping something just to make a tremendous profit. Our religion dates back thousands of years, meaning it's true. How could anybody possibly dispute our religion when it is so old?"
While the Pope went on to add, "It saddens me to think that some people will waste their entire lives following the practices of something that's completely made up and can never be proven." He did mention, "At least it's still better then being a Jew or one of those brown people religions."
Apple was optimistic that their past success would continue. "There has never been an omnipotent being that is so sleek and user friendly, you can either be a face in the crowd of another religion, or you can be exclusive and get and iGod, just like everybody else." The crowd was also stunned to hear that the iGod would be free of charge and the only thing required in return for the product would be "your soul." Although Jobs did go on to mention that there would be a $500 up charge for the 64GB model. Apple also unveiled the slogan for their new product "Apple iGod: It's What the Cool Kids Worship." Jobs concluded the press conference in his usual fashion of masturbating on to the faces of his stockholders.