Written by Trayla Trash
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Topics: NASA, Toilet

Wednesday, 28 September 2005

NASA has urged world leaders to close all public toilets, effective immediately, to protect the future of mankind. The plea comes after another terrifying case of ‘involuntary toilet teleportation', which has been blamed for the disappearance of thousands of people worldwide since Christmas. A spokesman for NASA said the phenomenon, first discovered in a remote town in northern Idaho last November, was a burgeoning cause for concern.

Dr. Jerry T. Sanderson, a leading light in the study of inter-stellar oddities, explained: "It appears a colony of rogue extra terrestrials, using the unrivalled power of a multitasking wormhole, are abusing the global sewage network to kidnap people when they're at their most vulnerable.

"Public toilets, in particular, are being targeted due to the frequency of bum to pan contact. We urge political leaders across the world to close all public toilet blocks immediately until this wormhole is pinpointed and closed down."

NASA scientists believe the 8,576 people taken to date are still alive but are being used as slaves in the Krunchinut Cluster, several billion light years away.

The latest terrifying incident took place at an isolated toilet block near the ferry terminal at Stranraer in Scotland, where 25 Glasgow pensioners stopped refreshments en-route to County Wicklow in Ireland.

Only one, 70 year-old Annie Grassick, escaped to safety. Covered in black goo, which is currently being analysed by the Scottish Environmental Protection Agency, she staggered out dressed only in a corset and a pair of thick brown support tights.

Though now recovering at her Bellshill home, Mrs Grassick remains traumatised by what she described as the "worst pee of her life".

"I remember a strange pulling sensation at the base of my spine and a loud whirring noise coming from underground, rather like a washing machine on spin cycle," said the former Royal Navy Wren.

Luckily, the opportunist kidnap attempt was thwarted when she bent down to tie her shoelace. The tenuous seal with the pan broken, the alien intruder below was unable to generate enough reverse G-force to claim the plucky pensioner.

Coach driver Bob McGurk (44), who opted to use the tiny bus cubicle instead of joining his passengers, said his decision had saved his life.

Still in a state of shock, he said: "I'd read about involuntary toilet teleportation and decided not to risk exposing my backend to any rogue wormhole. I tried to warn the old folk but I think they thought I was winding them up - one old soldier even said if he can survive relieving himself in the trenches, scabby public toilets would be a dawdle. It's so sad."

A spokesman for Turpin Tours, the company responsible for the trip, said their sympathies lay with the families of those taken. However, they revealed that Mrs Grassick would not be given a refund, as she did not disclose in her holiday insurance form that she intended to use public lavatories.

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