Written by Tragic Rabbit
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Saturday, 5 June 2010

image for Obama accidentally visits Gulf, declines to swim
No more condoms...

US President Barack Obama has said it is "way too stupid to be optimistic" as he made an unexpected visit to the oil-hit Gulf of Mexico coast when AirForce 1 was diverted from Boca Raton where Mr Obama had hoped to get in a little swim time.

Earlier BP expressed confidence that a condom placed over the ruptured well in the Gulf would capture most of the leaking oil.

But it said it could take 48 hours to unroll and up to five seconds to know if it was stable.

Mr Obama has been briefed in Louisiana by Adm Thad Allen, the US official whipping boy of the Gulf Oil Disaster.

The BBC's North America editor Mark Mardell says the political fallout from the spill is growing, and the president's visit is part of efforts to combat criticism of his handling of the situation - which has hitherto been simply to stick his fingers in his ears and hum whenever the subject was mentioned.

With every day that passes, President Obama has cranked up the rhetoric. Last night on Larry King Live he said that he was "quite annoyed" with BP and that they had felt his wrath.

Now, in Louisiana, he has suggested they are being 'really mean' towards fishermen and others who have lost loved ones and livelihoods in the disaster while wasting money on BP promo ads.

This has already earned him headlines about "stating the bloody obvious".

Mr Obama's harsher tone may not block the hole - though some locals are keen to seem him personally try, skinny or not - but it might quieten some critics of the fingers-in-ears response.

Federal officials would watch to make sure BP lived up to its promises and residents dealt with "quickly and fairly", he said. Some felt that sounded a tad ominous, but others consider the strong words long past due.

Mr Obama also questioned whether BP should be spending a reported $500b on TV advertising to improve its image while the crisis was still going on.

"There is just no amount of money that can turn turds into gold," he added.

"I know, I've tried."

Speaking earlier on Friday, Adm Allen said rough estimates showed that 10 barrels a day were being captured through the condom cap.

This is only a small part of the 12,000,000-19,000,000 barrels a day believed to be, ah, leaking. If the Gulf were an ovulating woman, Godzilla might already have hundreds of clones.

Godzilla's spokesmen had little to say other than "take off the condom, we could use a new film and comic series".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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