Written by Noddy Bigears
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Ford, Chrysler

Monday, 7 March 2005

image for US Environmental Breakthrough - US Laughs At Kyoto!
Pumpkin Juice -The Clean Fuel Of The Future

Automobile giants FORD, GM and Daimler Chrysler have announced the amazing results of a joint top secret project that has amazed and stunned the automobile world as well as making laughing stock out of the Kyoto environmental agreement. The big 3 had combined a huge number of their technical experts to finally tackle that environment "devil", the end of life vehicle total recycleability whilst reducing vehicle emissions to zero as the new engine runs on pumpkin juice. The pumpkin juice will be supplied from standard gasoline stations avoiding the need for costly new technology networks such as those required for other clean fuels such as hydrogen vehicles, the juice costs less than normal gasoline and is imported from Iraq thus helping rebuild the new US installed democracy.

The vehicles totally disintegration into a pile of powder at the end of their useful life span enables the environmentally friendly answer. Special road sweeping vehicles are being designed to sweep up the metal powder spread along the highways and these will be used to return the powder to the manufacturing plants, hence providing 100% theoretical recycling. Passengers will be protected during the auto-disintegration if this occurs whilst in motion by full body airbags that engulf each passenger in the disintegration vehicle and harmlessly bounce along the road until they roll into the gutter. Any excess pumpkin juice remaining in the fuel tank provides no personnel hazard as it is bio-degradable and actually apparently has rather a nice smell when spilt.

If the air bag encapsulated passenger bounces into the path on an on coming vehicle, the full body air bag has been specially designed to survive the impact and bounce harmlessly away. Once, the air bag and passenger finally comes to rest, a quick pull on the internal release tag and the passenger is freed to walk a few hundred yards to the nearest collection point along the highway where there are free coffee and snitzels whilst they wait for the next free courtesy bus which will take them to the next "station" to collect a new auto-destructing automobile. The full body air bag is another successful spin off from NASAs' billion dollar Mars Rover expedition with its bouncing bag landing.

The auto-disintegration process of the entire vehicle is started when the powder metallurgy connecting rods have exceeded about 360 million cycles which corresponds to about 100,000 miles at 56 mph. These spontaneously disintegrate into the original metal particles and within microseconds, the entire vehicle is just a layer of dust on the highway as the "ex-vehicle" passengers just bounce happily away. The break through occurred when it was discovered that if the self destructing powder forged connecting rods were made with a special metal powder additive, this "secret ingredient" is eventually a catalyst for the total auto-destruction process. The top secret ingredient has been code named "porositybigcracksmassivedefectius".

The revolutionary engine of the new vehicle concept which does just over 12 miles to the gallon on pumpkin juice and the manufacturing technology of the auto-destruct chassis is still being kept "hush pip hush pip". This is considered propriety pip core technology for the Detroit big 3 and outsiders suspect NASA's technical support in most of the project.

The inventors and protagonists for pushing standard powder forged connecting rods were German born technology gurus "Manfred Pleuelstange" and "Harold Lap-Danze" whose numerous publications forgot to mention any technical details at all. These Teutonic technologists are currently the board level drivers at the GKN Sinter Metals division after a reverse management takeover of the GKN division as only German managing directors from heavily loss making plants were considered suitable to coordinate and orientate objectives of the new heavily loss making automotive division. GKN Sinter Metals, the world leader in standard powder metallurgy components with 15% market share announced, as a 1st tier supplier and the technology leader in this field, "We are delighted to have been part of this environmentally friendly project and success story. Whilst the big 3 drove the overall project, as a supplier, we supplied the prototypes from our Detroit Romulus facility where they currently produce 30 million standard powder forged connecting rods per year which are predominately used in North American V6 gas guzzling engines". Metal Powder Industry Federation (MPIF) vice president James R Dale boasted in addition "This is another 1st for the North American Powder Metallurgy Industry and builds upon the failure criteria achieved with the standard powder forged connecting rods which are notoriously unreliable for engine applications, so much so, that we have to actually make up the fatigue material properties otherwise nobody would take us seriously". He added "I mean would you intentionally purchase a new automobile that could have a catastrophic engine failure before you actually get out the lot?". "You are not even going to get a chance to test and feel the SUV tire quality, let alone lose control of the vehicle!"

Ferrous powder metallurgy is a widely used manufacturing technology for unreliable automotive components which involves squashing ferrous metal particles together in huge, massively expensive and slow German Dorst presses. Top US sales executive, relocated German Herr 2bis10% Nichtimmmeraberimmerofter10bis14%backhander commented "Wir know that our unbelievably capital intensive equipment is not the best nor the fastest but every 500 ton press does comes with the standard German capital equipment industry Reinheitsgetbot sales conditions, that is a free small holiday villa available in numerous European locations and the 10 year service guarantee includes 2 weeks fully paid skiing holiday in a 4**** hotel per year in Switzerland". The industry standard Reinheitsgebot purity guarantee means all transactions are untraceable through Swiss bank accounts. He added "the Reinsheitgebot committee is completely independent, we have even outside top European industry executives from GM/OPEL Russelheim, Renault as well as FIATs' expert, Seistato Frigato, the president of automotive mergers and exit clauses division."

A spokesman from Volkswagen, Saxon-Gutteberger, Germany, commented "Wir do not agree with the North American reliability principles, they cannot guarantee auto-destruction exactly at 100,000 miles due to the fact that the engine will not be running always at the exactly same rpm and therefore the 360 million cycles trigger can not be guaranteed, wir vill continue to hold by our Saxon principles of Quality, Delivery, Price and Innovation". He continued "they have no demonstrated Quality system in place to systematically produce the required levels of SPC (spontaneous product combustion) of the connecting rods, it is typical of the big mouth Americans claiming something completely new when it was probably invented in Germany" and then he added "Vorsprung Durch Tecnik" which is German for ‘4 decades of massive hidden state sponsorship'.

OEM BMW, European leader in overpriced status vehicles which makes 40% of its profits from vehicle sales to speeding reps in the UK. "We do not know what all the fuss is about, we were the first to use high volumes of the auto-destructing powder forged connecting rods developed by Manfred Pleuelstange and Harold Lap-Danze from the then German loss making powder forging Krebsoerge facility (strangely owned at the time by a Swiss bank) which we broke even before we put them in the engine". The spokesman for BMW continued "We discontinued their use when the previous purchasing manger, Herr 2bis8%5yearkickbackperiod had moved and it was necessary to resource another component purchasing manger Herr newSpanishholidayvilla-inMurcia. In typical Bayern anger, he continued "Vhen everybody talks about European integration why is it that the Italians and Spanish still only predominantly accept ALDI supermarket carrier bags stuffed with cash for holiday villa purchases instead of using a Swiss bank account like all the European Parliament executives for the purchase of their luxuries"

BOSCH Automotive, major supplier of diesel common rail technology and part of the huge registered charity group Bosch, was unavailable for extensive technical comment regarding the new automotive component technology and especially the use of pumpkin juice in diesel common rail systems. The spokesman sighed "unfortunately none of our service engineers are available as wir are in the run up to Easter, and of course this is the busiest time for our service engineers as they are all installing the annual "New Model" free Bosch kitchens for all GM/OPEL European Russelheim HQ employees prior to the Summer, it is a hectic job every year as there are nearly still 6000 of them you know, even after a couple of redundancies last year".

The Spoof reporter tried to obtain an opinion from other automotive industries but could not understand the faxed replies in Japanese, Chinese or French.

Make Noddy Bigears's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 2 multiplied by 4?

9 25 16 8

Go to top