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Tuesday, 1 June 2010

image for US military rejects calls to 'go nuclear' and seal the damn oil spill
Nothing here to nuke the oil spill or Oval Office.

The United States military does not have the technology or sufficient knowledge of magic to deal with the devastating oil spill, its highest ranking military officer admitted on Monday night.

Admiral Mike Mullet, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said they had no more clues left in their basket following BP's latest failure to plug the leak.

Responding to calls for the armed forces to take control of the oil spill disaster by going nuclear, Mr Mullet said: "We've looked at that continuously since the leak started -indeed, since the last presidential election - but we just don't have the ability to fine-tune a nuclear hit to something as localized as the oil spill or the Oval Office.

President Barack Obama is facing increasing criticism over his handling of the environmental catastrophe - mainly by sticking his fingers in his ears and humming whenever the subject is mentioned - which occurred when BP's Deepwater Horizon rig exploded on April 20, causing a well to rupture and pump gazillions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

James Carville, a leading Democratic strategist and sneak, said: "This is literally a war we are in. Foreign substances are invading our coastline and this time it's more dangerous than Mexican illegals.

"We're considering calling in Arizona Governer Jan Brewer to help us think of ever-more drastic, ridiculous, headline-stealing solutions."

Meanwhile, Louisiana Senator David Twit added: "We need the federal response to really get with it and go on a wartime footing before the Yellow Peril reaches our coastline."

More than 100,400 members of the US Marine Corp have been mobilised to help with the clean up operation in the gulf region - and few seen since - but Mr Mullet said there was little the armed forces could do to stop the leak help and the best chance remained with BP's engineers - who ought to roll up their sleeves and 'wade in', so to speak.

Mr Mullet said: "We actually have been involved, but we have not been doing so well. Any actual progress, or decision to go nuclear, would be a decision the president would have to make - after taking his fingers out of his ears."

Some have even suggested that the oil could reach the coastlines of Florida, Texas, Cuba and then Europe, devastating wildlife and, more importantly, crippling tourism.

Prozac Chakrabakra, a biologist based at the Louisiana State University said: "Every fish and invertebrate contacting the oil is probably dying - the latter category including a large number of low-level or otherwise undesirable BP employees who were sent in immediately to tidy up."

BPs' fourth attempt to plug the leak by pouring debris such as used tyres, aging game show hosts and even golf balls into the well - a method known as stupidity - failed at the weekend. Duh.

The company will now try to fit a giant condom onto the ruptured well, but that could take more than a week to unroll and also runs the risk of increasing the, ah, flow if it breaks during use.

Most Americans believe the best chance of stopping the leak remains plugging it up with members of Congress and then having Billy Graham pray over the mess.

Congressional spokesmen were not available for comment on this proposal, but Graham's publicists admit he finds the idea compelling.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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