Written by Stu B
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Wednesday, 23 February 2005

image for Astronomers Find Absolutely Nothing.
Nope, nothing here!

Astronomers say they have discovered an object that appears to be nothing at all made almost entirely of dark matter.

The team, led by Cardiff University, claimed it is the first to be detected.

A dark nothing is an area in the Universe containing a large amount of mass that rotates like nothing, but contains nothing at all.

It was found 50 million light years away using radio telescopes in Cheshire and Puerto Rico and a very long piece of cable.

The unknown material that is thought to hold this dark nothingness together is known as 'dark matter', but scientists still know very little about what that is.

The five-year research has involved studying nothing much in particular throughout the Universe, by looking at the rotation of galaxies and the speed at which their components moved in conjunction with a poster of Christine Aguillerra on the wall of the Lab.

Nothing releases radiation that cannot be detected at radio wavelengths.

In the Virgo cluster of galaxies, they found a mass of nothing a hundred million times the mass of the Sun.

"The Universe has all sorts of secrets still to reveal to us, but this shows that we are beginning to understand nothing at all" Said Dr Jon Davies of Cardiff University Not Much Department

Similar objects that have previously been discovered have since turned out to contain something, but noone is really sure what.

However, the scientists from the UK, France, Italy and Australia found no visible trace of any stars, and no galaxies nearby that would suggest a anything of any note whatsoever.

Dr Robert Minchin, of Cardiff University, said: "From its speed, we realised that this was a thousand times more massive than could be accounted for by the observed emptiness alone.

"If it were an ordinary bit of nothing, then it should be quite dull and would be invisible with a good amateur telescope. Which indeed it is"

The astronomers say it is hard to study the universe's dark, hidden objects because of the Earth's proximity to the Sun and that it is mind numbingly dull to do so.

They liken it to looking out at the darkest night from a well-lit room - it is easy to make out street lights but not trees, hedges and mountains, it is even more difficult than spotting the windows of the girls dorms with those cool night vision googles that Rodrey got off his Nana at Christmas.

Astronomers say it marks an important breakthrough because, according to cosmological models, nothing is five times more abundant than the ordinary something that makes up everything we can see and touch.

Dr Jon Davies, added: " It's not really a very exciting discovery."

Counter claims by Caltech that Cardiff were actually training their telescopes at LAkeside Shopping Centre in Thurrock are flatley denied.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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