Research scientists working at the Advanced Political Institute of Theory (APIT), have broken new ground in the field of female armpit hair as it relates to political power.
At the moment, no one in the mainstream media knows for certain if Elena Kagan will actually make it through the vetting process to become a Supreme Court Justice, however, APIT scientists already seem to know the answer.
"She's a virtual shoe-in, a complete lock," said Dr. Stanley Krumbloster of APIT. "I haven't seen armpit hair this strong at the roots with such exceptional length since Janet Reno gave us her samples in 1992. You could actually use Ms. Kagan's armpit hairs to remove paint from the side of a warship, that's the kind of strength we're seeing here. I dare say she could put Hillary Clinton to shame. It's too bad she's not considering a run for the White House."
Dr. Krumbloster went on to explain the armpit hair correlation developed by APIT. "By looking at our statistical graph you will see that armpit hair is a major factor when it comes to female Democrat politicians and their power. Nancy Pelosi, for example has had her armpit hair removed since becoming Speaker of the House, and you will notice that her power has steadily decreased since that time. On the other hand, Ms. Kagan, as well as Ms. Sotomayor, both rising political stars, have never bothered to shave their pits since their proms in 1974 and 1975 respectively."
The research seems to speak for itself. If female Democrats want to gain, and retain their power, they need to keep their armpits natural and strong. Democracy depends on it.