Anonymous DEA agent and his trusty dog Milo have found dark matter. "This God person or the Klingons and Romulans that are supposed to be out there in the Universe, they've got to be hiding their stash somewhere. And you know they're not going to call it "heroin" or "opium". It's going to be a code word or in this case two code words. Dark Matter. That's your story right there. Now get the F#$@ out of my face," said a tough as nails DEA inspector. His dog barked at reporters for good measure.
Space agencies and astrophysicists around the world had sought to explain dark matter for about a half a century. That's at least everyone with more than two Physics degrees since Truman was "Mr. President."
Except, no one really knew what it was and where it was, until now.
Oh, there were fun theories like anti-matter and mirror-matter but it doesn't matter any more, it's was not what we were trying to find that's was problem. The fundamental problem ,of course, was that nerdy scientists were put in charge of the finding.
This Friday notorious Indian satire troupe Mindry.in contacted the Drug Enforcement Agency to find dark matter. Kind of like a reverse outsourcing, if you will.
"The Drug Enforcement Agency is used to finding stuff. They're used to finding stuff that's hidden. They look long and hard," said one recently probed gentleman who refused to be named. Yes, Russel, we're talking about you, you're on the grid now.
Sources close to the actual goings on have divulged that the first thing the narcos did was to shut down the stupid telescopes and satellites. Then they looked around the cyclotron, a few of the other particle accelerators and looked for a few informants. The local protons fessed up, pointed to where the dark matter hung out and rolled on their Mexican friends.
The rest was just a wait-and-watch operation. The dark matter showed up and the DEA busted it. "The most rewarding part of this was that we found the dark matter crossing the national borders between France and Switzerland. Caught it red handed. That, and the fact that dark matter is heroin. This has made our day," said DEA Agent Doug Daley.
Meanwhile, NASA is up in arms at the ridiculous claim by the DEA to have solved the dark matter problem in a day.
One NASA admin says it's worse than a British Tabloid claiming to have found life on Mars.