Written by Guy Bellefonte
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Monday, 3 May 2010

image for Study Finds Lab Rats Fed Organic Diet, Pretentious & Annoying to Other Rats
Oh my gosh, is that an organic tomato? Don't talk to me, spawn of Satan!

A university research group recently found that even mice have the ability to snub their tiny noses. The research shows that although the rats fed the organic diet were not actually healthier than the non-organic fed rats, they were much more annoying and more difficult to be around.

According to the data, the organic fed rats began to gravitate towards fanny packs, Starbucks coffee, hybrid vehicles and Pelosi for President propaganda. In addition, the rats were constantly looking busier than they actually were, often cut in front of other rats to get water first, and strutted around the cage with a sense of entitlement.

"One of the rats refused to eat bread if was not Rudi's Organic bread with Goat Sack brand preserves, which I found disgusting," said a rather forgettable looking research student.

Goat Sack Preserves, based out of New Hampshire, prides themselves on their unique jams and jellies that have been individually tea bagged by goats fed an all natural organic diet before being sealed and shipped. Company founder, Hunter Dunbar, claims that the extra organic nutrients from the goat sack have strong antioxidant power.

Whether you agree or disagree with Dunbar's claims, it's hard to dispute the hours of laboratory research.

Additional data concluded that the rats missed the warmth of 35mm film, were intrigued by David Sedaris, hate American style football, write dates in the European format, never wear sneakers, and can't wait to get back to Paraguay for some "real" guacamole.

At the end of the six month study the rats on the organic diet had been completely isolated by the other rats and lacked any sense of humor.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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