Written by William Marler
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Topics: Health, Death

Thursday, 29 April 2010

image for Research Finds Uncanny Fatality Rates in Terminally Ill Patients
Driftwood sciencing in IBB

Harrison Driftwood, a leading researcher at Townsville's Institute of Biotechnology and Biomedicines, has released a new controversial paper claiming that sufferers of terminal illnesses have an 'alarmingly higher' death rate when compared to sufferers of non-terminal illnesses.

Speaking with us directly, Driftwood stated that "our results have shown a huge trend in the number of patient deaths who are diagnosed with an incurable disease." While the study itself was only conducted on a small group of cancer sufferers, the team at IBB hopes to receive further funding for full scale research.

While Driftwood's team fully back the claims made, others are not so easy to please.

"It's a classic case of some loony scientist using the old correlation proves causation fallacy to get his face in the paper." Alexis Hefernan, a village chief and herbalist of the Wakka Wakka tribe, continued. "I mean seriously, anyone who takes his claims as anything other than inventive thinking needs to get their head checked."

Although Elder Hefernan hasn't actually studied at a state recognized medical institution, he is at the forefront of the war on organized health and asserts that he practices alternative medicine on a daily basis.

Wrapping up his interview with us, Hefernan finished with saying "First the health care bill and now this baloney? We need to stop wasting tax payer's money on useless research and kickstart a new era of unconventional healing."

He assured us that his latest work on using celery to heal verrucaes would go down in history as the greatest medical breakthrough of the 21st century.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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