The surprise scientific announcement this week was that microbes are not accelerating global warming as expected. Brushing aside the fact that the global warming computer modelers have no understanding of the complexity of microbes, Mr Gore went on to say that he does understand their complex behavior and wants a full audit done to see how many of them are on the payroll of Big Oil.
It's quite simple, Gore continues, if the microbes can neutralize our effect on the climate then humans are clearly not in charge of the planet. If humans are not in charge then America is not in charge. America needs to get out there and kick microbial ass so I can continue to make my millions.
Mr Gore criticized the worlds scientists for not connecting the dots with the bacteria. Quantum physics tells us that when we are looking at something very small it changes its behaviour until you look away. Once you look away the climate will start heating up again. Not only that but Quantum physics enables Mr Gore to scientifically disagree with any and all scientists when it comes to inconvenient microbes.
Professor Jones from South Island University in New Zealand disagrees. He claims: when he was younger Mr Gore was so busy inventing the internet that he skipped the finer points of quantum theory, like that it only applies to sub-atomic particles which are millions of times smaller than your joe-average microbe.
Mr Gore brushed off these remarks: New Zealand is a small brown nose country and pressure can be applied to cut off hostile funding. Meanwhile, with the help of fossil fuel burning flamethrowers, we're going to fry those conspiring microbes and teach them a darn good lesson in political correctness.