Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: Tomato, laundering

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

image for Tomatoes Found to Cause Catsup Stains
Catsup, Packaged in an Easy Attack Container.

In a shocking announcement by the International Tomato Board, the root cause for catsup stains was discovered after years of intensive research, and found to be linked to the actual pigment of the tomato.

It was quite a shock for our whole research team", says food packaging manager, Phil Enskweez . "The public had no idea that there were even tomatoes in catsup, in fact we had to start packaging the condiment with a label that read Tomato Catsup so they had some idea of what was in the bottle. But we had no idea it was the actual tomato causing the deep red clothing stains".

Laundry detergent manufacturers were relieved to learn of the discovery. "Now we can formulate our product with enzymes to battle the stain", says detergent chemist, Jock Washington. "Catsup and Mustard stains are some of the worst, but there seems to be light at the end of the catsup tunnel".

For years catsup manufacturers battled lawsuits after thousands of claims for ruined white shirts and dresses. "We even made huge technological leaps in bottling, with the flip cap squeeze container. Much less of a chance at an errant catsup blast", says Enskweez. Though Enskweez admits, "That didn't stop catsup attacks made in anger, or in the excitement of a food fight".

The 3,000 page formal report will be delivered to the ITB next week, identifying the mystery red pigment in catsup. ITB President Ivanna Napakin says, "It seems so logical now, but I never would have guessed that the staining qualities came from the humble tomato. Now if we can only find the source of mustard's yellow color, the world will be in a better place".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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