Written by Fergie73
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Sunday, 18 April 2010

image for Scientist finds "God particle" in Jack Daniels bottle
The key to creation and the universe?

A scientist has claimed to have finally found the illusive "God particle". Sometimes known among boffins as the Higgs Boson, the God particle is believed to hold the key to the mystery of the creation of matter and the universe, and has been the holy grail of physics for several decades. The large hadron collider at CERN - 27 miles of tunnels, firing speed of light particles at one another - was designed to try and find the particle.

Now though, physicist Randy Quark claims to have detected the particle.

Talking about his discovery he enthused:

'This has come at such a great time for me. My life was really falling apart. It was the lowest time I've ever had. I'd just split with my wife, and was living in this motel room. My research was going nowhere. Then this night, I'd had a few beers then moved onto whisky. It was just as I finished the second bottle of Jack Daniels, lying on the floor listening to Dylan that I became aware of it. It was like this face in the bottle, kind of smiling up at me, and it said, 'Boy, you sure fucked up your life, didn't ya?'

Naturally, I challenged it asking, 'who the hell are you to say that?' to which the voice replied 'You know already. If you feel like there's a huge weight on your shoulders, that's me. And I can take that weight off you too, if you let me.'

I said, 'Jesus, you're the Higgs Boson, aren't you?'

'You studied light all your life,' it said, 'trying to get whether it's a wave or a particle. But you never saw it, did you?'

And I realised right then it was right. I had just seen the light.

With tears in his eyes, Randy Quark ran to the nearest church, Our Lady of the Quantum Epiphany, yelling that he had been enlightened, that he had found the God particle. He demanded that the bottle be put on display immediately. 'He may well have found the God particle,' Father Riley priest of the church said, 'but he got me out of my bed, and frankly a Jack Daniels bottle isn't something we can class as a holy relic.'

The bottle is now in the hands of a team of scientists at Berkeley, most of whom are believed not to have drunk two bottles of whisky. They are examining it to see if the claims are true. If they are, the major mystery of creation may have been solved once and for all. Randy Quark certainly believes this is that case.

'There's no question at all,' he says, just before passing out. 'This is it...the...the thing, whatever it was...it sure is...'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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