Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 7 April 2010

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Dr. Ivanna Manheim, Discoverer of Fecesium

Long hypothesized as a missing link within compounds made from multiple known elements, scientists from the U.S. and Russia are about to announce the confirmation of a new entry that will be added to table of 115 known elements.

Never able to explain the bonding process that keeps many elements and compounds together, the new element known as Fecesium, now explains how certain masses "stick" to each other. "Without Fecesium", says Dr. Ivanna Manheim from Lomonosov University in Moscow, "certain materials would have the consistency of sand. This explains how compounds are able to form thick and gooey masses".

Smelly too. Fecesium, while one of the smallest particles to be isolated under an electron microscope, carries the ability to create sulfur by-broducts when bonding to other elements. "Which explains the odor", says Dr. Manheim. "It basically smells like poo. Which is also why most excrement tends to stick together, and also why it stinks".

Commonly found in complex compounds like mammalian excrement, shampoo, chocolate pudding, brie cheese, automotive grease, and eggs, the fragrant effects are sometimes altered with perfumes or other processing to remove the sulfuric smell. "If you have ever been close to a cheese factory or petroleum processing facility, you would be able to put the pieces together", says Manheim. Then again most people are already familiar with the pleasant smelling after effects of bad eggs and cheese. Fecesium can now be named as the true source of those smells.

"I don't know what you call it", says Ben Dameiny, a local dairy farmer and cheese producer. "But there days when the wind shifts, that we can't close our windows tight enough. Fecesium? Let's just call it what it is. Shitium".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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