SCHAUMBERG, IL - Leyland Moser, the newly elected head of the American Society for the Preservation of Gravity (ASPG), has called on President Bush "to take immediate steps to reduce this nation's alarming rate of gravity consumption."
Speaking from the ASPG's one-story, gravity-conserving headquarters in Schaumberg, Illinois, Moser said, "The United States, which is home to 5 percent of the world's population, consumes nearly 60 percent of its gravity. The air travel involved in the recent presidential campaign alone used more gravity than the entire 18th century."
Moser, 56, warned that unless the United States moves quickly to curtail its runaway consumption of gravity, "we could face disastrous consequences-among them the disappearance of the forward pass from football and the demise of the trampoline industry." On the plus side, Moser added, "people will literally be able to piss up a rope."
Moser, who does not fly or use air mail, has requested a meeting with President Bush. Every president since Ronald Reagan has received and rejected a similar request from the ASPG, but Moser is optimistic that Bush's embrace of creationism "means he might be sympathetic to our theory of gravity."
That theory was propounded by ASPG founder, Darwin Crum, in an interview that appeared in the May 1982 issue of "The Isolated M," a Mensa newsletter. "Newton never defined gravity," said Crum. "He simply described what it does.
"The ASPG, on the other hand, used actual unretouched Xeroxed copies to demonstrate that gravity is produced by LIGREFITEs (Little Invisible Gravity Rays Emanating from Inside The Earth). These LIGREFITEs, which look like threaded rods, originate at the center of the earth and extend outward indefinitely. By piercing the electrons at the core of all matter, LIGREFITEs keep everything from floating off into space-except for helium and a few other substances that are threaded in the opposite direction. Obviously if we tax the properties of LIGREFITEs by constantly sending objects like airplanes, cheerleaders, and yo-yos up and down-or by constructing tall buildings that put a strain on LIGREFITEs-we wear out their threads and exhaust our supply of gravity."
After President Reagan had turned a deaf ear on Crum's request to conserve gravity by reducing the ton to 500 pounds and by forcing airplanes to observe what was then a 55-mile-per-hour national speed limit, Crum predicted "the total and utter destruction of the entire planet and everybody on it-or worse-if something isn't done about the gravity situation soon."
Echoing Crum's warning, Moser recommends that people conserve gravity by "lying down a lot and forming elevator pools." He also recommend laying pop-up toasters on their sides because this not only saves gravity but also results in your toast falling right onto your plate. In addition, he advocates shortening basketball and soccer seasons, putting a cap on roller coaster construction, outlawing vertical food presentation, and requiring all women larger than a 34-B to wear bras.
Moser also recommend replacing air freight with hot air balloons, one of Darwin Crum's pet projects. In Crum's autobiography, "Living Down to Gravity's Challenge," the visionary thinker wrote, "We have conducted actual tests where we placed a bathroom scale under a tethered hot air balloon and got almost no reading, but when we put the same exact scale under the nose wheel of a 747, we wound up squashing the scale."