Written by Katarina Frogpond2
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Tuesday, 23 March 2010

image for Time Machine exists but it has problems says Professor Hawkins
Draconius black says the Internet makes us feel isolated

Professor Hawkins has revealed that a time machine has been created by one of his Academic friends, but that it has very serious problems. He has also revealed that his friend has decided to use his time machine to go back in time to prevent the invention of the internet.

Another source revealed, however, that Professor Draconius hasn't been able to go back far enough yet because his machine runs on batteries, and every year he goes back in time requires the power of one battery, that weighs 0.5 tons.

To achieve his aim of preventing the invention of the internet would require a leap back in time of 30 years, which would be 15 tons and this is impossible. This weight would prevent the time machine from getting off the ground and travelling along the space time continuum. Apparently gravity is a factor even in space time.

"My friend Draconius is at the moment trying to develop smaller batteries." Says Professor Hawkins. "He says it is now his life's work to destroy the internet before it destroys society. He thinks it makes people miserable."

Other sources have described Draconius Black as a lovely hippy who wants everyone to get back to communal living. He believes that there will never be another Summer of Love because everyone is too busy on Facebook trying to advertise what a great time they are having through their photographs and status updates.

A magazine article from 2009 that carried the only known interview with Draconius records him as saying:.

"The internet makes people miserable because everyone advertises their good times but not their bad times. So when a normal, not particularly interesting, person looks at someone else's facebook site they think that everyone is having a great time more often than they are. It makes us feel isolated and alone. This leads to a false sense of inferiority in the facebook viewer. This then, unfortunately leads to depression and then death by suicide. Its a tragedy, because it is based on entirely false assumptions.

Everyone's life is made up of 90% boredom and 10% excitement. Its been scientifically proven. I know that because I carried out the research. The brain is only capable of being interesting for 10% of the time. Otherwise it would explode and that's not a nice thing to see."

Professor Hawkins wasn't unavailable for comment but other scientists have said they hope that Professor Draconius's work is a success because they are bored of the net and want people to get back to reading nice Scientific Text Books like "A Brief History of Time" and "The Origin of Species"

By Katarina Frogpond

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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