Houston, TX-- The planet Saturn is on fire and it will explode on Saturday. NASA scientists released this grim news early today after a devastating accident involving the Cassini probe. If the planet explodes as expected, there is a good chance Saturn's rings will strike the Earth, slicing it in half.
The Cassini probe has been in Saturn's orbit since 2004. During a routine flyby of the planet yesterday, a terrible accident happened. Some moron at NASA sent the probe too close to Saturn's hydrogen atmosphere, and the whole planet caught on fire. The fire is expected to reach Saturn's solid hydrogen core tomorrow. Once that happens, it will explode. Saturn's detached rings will then fly through space "like a buzz-saw from Hell", according to NASA spokesman Dr. Karl Saygun.
Saturn's rings are extremely thin and razor sharp. They are expected to hit the Earth's equator on Easter Sunday.
"The rings will slice the Earth in half, just like a butcher knife slices a tomato." said Dr. Saygun. "There is no hope at all." he said grimly.
Dr. Saygun did note the poetic justice of it all.
"Well, I--I mean we-- blew up Saturn, and now we have to pay for it. At least it's an interesting way for the world to end." said the moron.