Written by C. Cranium
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Topics: Animals, species

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

image for Los Angeles: Parking lots being destroyed by mysterious rodent
Imagine this guy with bigger teeth and horns.

Gophers, those pesky lawn demolishers, are turning up in unexpected places. And they don't look right.

Biologist Dr. Harvey Ground-Sloth Banks, chief biologist at the LaBrea Tar Pits National Park, announced today that the critters destroying parking lots, sidewalks, and main thoroughfares, throughout Los Angeles and Orange Counties, are a new species of Gopher.

Their habitat destroyed, and Darwin at the job, the newly evolved gopher has grown asphalt crunching teeth and a bonny set of horns on their head.

At first property managers thought that the holes and numerous bumps appearing in apartment complex parking lots were related to earth quakes. Then two different grocery chains, Vons and Ralph's, experienced damage to numerous parking lots. Finally a steamroller at an Alpha Beta store smashed down a deluge of bumps and out popped two dead creatures.

Dr. Banks, who shops at that store, was called and informed of the strange creatures. Gopher fossils were found in La Brea along with saber tooth cats and mastodons. Banks recognized those same creature features in the dead guys and worked with UCLA biologist to confirm the new species named Thomomys Asphaltus.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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