Written by Proffitt
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Topics: LHC

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

image for Large Hadron Collider Closes

The Large Hadron Collider (not to be confused with the small one) is to close next year, well for the school holidays at least.

At a cost 80 gazillion Euros and covering the equivalent of 140 NCP car parks the collider has been dogged by problems since it's opening in 2008. From not having enough electricity to a ham sandwich being found in of the anti matter chambers this waste of money has barely fired a proton.

Ken Johnson a cleaner at the site told us 'The whole place will have to close down next year for the school holidays because nobody can get cover for all their kids. Although I'm single they told me I must take a holiday as well. It's not fair.'

Andre Smidt Head of Anti (don't) Matter at the site admitted the close down was due to the school holidays. 'Everybody wanted holidays at the same time and trying to work it all out on one of those wall planners was becoming a nightmare. With blue bits here and red bits there, in the end we just had a meeting and said 'Sod it, let's all have the time off.''

When asked if the whole thing was becoming a millennium dome he admitted to some problems but disagreed with comparison. 'Wait until we produce the first quantum black hole,' he said. When pushed for a date he said 'By 2012 we expect to push a live mouse through a black hole the size of a pea and see where it takes him.'

When asked if the mouse would die he said 'Not necessarily, those mice can fit in to tiny holes you know!'

To raise funds the Collider will soon be opening its doors to the public. Guided tours will show people round the labs and control rooms. Tour guide Samantha Hopscotch said, 'People will be able to switch it on and off, meander around the centre and even go for jog around the underground chamber.' Prices will be equivalent to those at Euro Disney, although the kids may not share your enthusiasm.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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