Researchers in San Diego have been studying what they described as 'the secret language of Presidents', by using a new machine to monitor words said by Presidents that other human beings can't hear. The current President's cheesy grin and corny mixture of 'shucks'/man of the people/hellfire and brimstone preacher act will be familiar to most people but it can now be revealed that all sorts of inaudible hidden words are used by the President when speaking to the public.
When he said he would 'withdraw the troops from Iraq' he actually said 'I won't withdraw the troops from Iraq, as I have no power despite you mugs believing it matters who you voted for.' And hidden beneath his statement about how far 'we' have come is the unmistakable message that he is a race-obsessed bigot, just like the very people he claims to oppose.
'It's true', Italian Professor Nellie de Elefante said, from the Texamas College of Mispronouncialation, 'people just hadn't spotted it before. Mr. Obama lied about the troops and is always going on about skin color, you just need to use the Troof machine we have in our laboratory to hear the secret words.'
And to demonstrate this she played a tape of former President George W. Bush speaking at a press conference. 'I am a moron', came from the machine, 'I am an alcoholic and a drug addict, and I have the brain power of a retarded baboon. I can't even eat things without choking on them, 'cause I'm always so drunk.' 'And now without the Troof machine', she said, putting the tape into a normal cassette player. 'Four more years! Four more years!' 'See the difference?', and she looked pleased with herself.
'Here is the transcript of an Obama speech', she said, and the piece of paper she had in her hand read ''Yes we can!' becomes 'No I can't!', waffling about a puppy dog and a rapper is really 'I have no policies or power so will talk about childish stuff like dogs and pop stars', and every single press conference he has given abroad translates to one same sentence over and over again -
'Nobody outside of America cares who I am or about the USA any more, but the fools back home think the world does which is why I do these press conferences, off camera all the European and world leaders ignore me and tell one another jokes while I'm doing my impersonation of John F. Kennedy, pretending I'm delivering the Sermon on the Mount to the sinners of ...'.'
'And there I had to stop the tape as I was on the point of dying of boredom', she admitted, as like all adults from outside of the United States she finds Barack Obama a ridiculous and childish figure, droning on about nothing and sounding like a kid trying to make a speech to lots of mommies and daddies at a high school prom.
Signorina de Elifante then played short speeches by other politicians on both machines. British Conservative leader David Cameron's 'Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah' became 'More spending cuts and unemployment', Gordon Brown's attempts at commenting on the war in Iraq became a long silence followed by 'Anything you say, Mr. President', and nobody knows who the Liberal leader is.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's 'Zee banks eez not nazionalised, nein' is really 'Vote for mee az I am on tee vee, een mooveez', and everything Hillary Clinton says is really just long periods of her making irritating yapping noises like a badly-trained dog wanting more treats.
'But the best one the Troof machine gave us is this one', the professor said, playing former Prime Minister Tony Blair talking about being against the death penalty and then about the weapons of mass destruction Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein could have be planning to use against Britain. She then put the tape in the Troof machine.
'Of course, because I'm grovelling to whoever the American President is this week I'm not against the death penalty for Saddam, because George told me I'm not. And as for those wmds, April Fool! Ha ha ha ha ha! With CIA satellites trained on Iraq 24 hours a day since the 1970s of course I knew there were no wmds in Iraq, but found some American student's paper which said there were and used it as 'proof' of their existence. OK, I am a war criminal and a liar and so is George, but ... er ...'.
Politicians on both side of the Atlantic were hoping that the Troof machine wouldn't be used in Parliament or Congress, as it would produce so many lies and contradictions from speeches there that the public might just realise that their politicians do nothing to justify their existence or pay. 'We can only hope', President Obama gravely said, from Washington DC,
'that such a machine, while certainly an impressive use of technology to help us understand in the fullness of time what elephants mean, when they make growling noises, the time is now the time that - unless measures are taken to improve the otherwise untested translationary machines that the San Dieganistanians have invented, continuing a fine tradition of American and American-funded research into what, with more planning, could lead us forward into ...' Which the Troof machine had already translated as 'I am a waffling windbag and a liar'.
Other scientists at the college were working on a machine that will stop golfers from playing away from their home course, a machine that will teach Americans what irony is, and a machine that will translate what George W. Bush says into orangutang language, though that has now been scrapped as apes can already understand exactly what he means.
A machine that can finally get a sentence spoken by Barack Obama to mean something of substance may prove a harder task.