Written by Andrew J. Horne
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Topics: Scientists, New York

Friday, 12 November 2004

image for Tiny Human Ancestor Found in New York
Homo Stewartiensis was characterized by small stature and genitals as well as a steady diet of giant guinea pigs

The discovery of a skeleton of a man barely one meter tall who hunted pygmy elephants and giant hamsters 18,000 years ago could rewrite the origins of humanity, scientists in United States said Thursday.

The perfectly preserved skeleton, about as big as a modern 3-year-old, with a grapefruit-sized skull, and green pea sized testicles was found while excavating the new basement of a taco bell restaurant in New York City, about 2 kilometers east of central park.

The male, nicknamed the Stewart Hobbit, has been identified as a completely new member of the human race in the latest edition of the journal Ancient Midgets.

The skeleton of the 30-year-old man was found by a archeological team looking for prehistoric fossil evidence of cinnamon twists beneath the restaurant.

New Species
"At first we thought it was a woman because the penis was so small," University of New England professor Mike Morwood said. Instead, it was an adult male. The remains of six more little people have been unearthed in the underground cavern, each seems to resemble a modern liberal celebrity.
The cave also contains a layer of volcanic mild sauce from an spicy and delicious eruption that might have wiped out the ancient species.

"It's a new species of human who actually lived alongside us, yet was half our size and spent all its time telling midgets that didn't agree with it that they must be ignorant and misinformed - potentiallty one of the causes of its extinction," Morwood said. "He spent so much of his time bitching and whining that he forgot to eat and died."

In terms of technology, their poorly aimed, dull-tipped spears rarely did any damage to the weak, slow-moving rodents they hunted. Their only successful strategy was to jump out of the bushes to scare the hamsters - hopefully causing them to have heart attacks and die. Just like modern humans, the most these hamsters had to fear was coronary artery disease.

The miniature human, called Homo Stewartiensis, existed alongside our own species, Homo sapiens, for tens of thousands of years and might have died out only 500 years ago when its penis became too small to effectively reproduce, let alone satisfy a woman.

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