Written by Don Whiskerandos
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Wednesday, 17 February 2010

image for Phil Jones Confesses Omitting Biblical Flood Data

Phil Jones, ringmaster of the East Anglia Climate Research Unit (CRU) coterie of scientists and researchers charged with doctoring and faking data to conform with global-warming advocates, admitted during a BBC question and answer session on February 14th that, besides accepting Al Gore's "hockey stick" graph, employing "Mike's Nature Trick," and disguising the Medieval Period to reach politically correct conclusions about anthropogenic causes of the warming, that he also committed another heinous and unforgivable "sin."

"As you know, I am skeptical about many things, but not about the truth of global-warming. Okay, climate change. Let's not haggle over mere words. Those climate-change deniers give the word 'skeptic' a bad name." After a pause, Jones grinned and said, "My worse offense was to hide the statistics and numbers that proved the first major global-warming event, which caused the Biblical flood."

Asked how he could hide non-existent data about a mythical global disaster, Jones shook his head.

"How do you explain 40 days and 40 nights of nonstop rain? The polar ice caps melted. Wiped out the dinosaurs, who couldn't swim, so that's why they didn't make it to Noah's Ark. Caused the continents to shift and drift. All that water, you know, made them soggy. It was a drowned world. The Bible tells me so. Now I realize it was wrong of me to ignore the data that's to be found in Scripture."

Asked if the Biblical flood could be attributed to anthropogenic causes, Jones shook his head. What could have caused the ice caps to melt in so short a time? Jones looked solemn. "It was divine intervention to punish man for abusing the earth."

After the interview, Jones off the record said that he planned to start his own religious order with the hundreds of thousands of dollars in government grants he has squirreled away and build a monastery somewhere in the Shetland Islands. He said he would call the order the Holy Truthers and would begin seeking recruits after being cleared of doctoring the CRU's records.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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