Written by Gail Farrelly
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Friday, 29 January 2010

image for Apple iPad Attacks Amazon Kindle2, Chaos Erupts
Both the Kindle and the iPad can bite!

A San Francisco parking lot was the scene of the altercation yesterday. Onlookers agreed that the iPad had started the fight. The Kindle2 was walking along, minding its own business, when the iPad struck.

"It was an attack, pure and simple," a teenaged observer (a budding journalist) said. "The iPad took aim and simply jumped on top of the Kindle." The teenager said that the two combatants, in addition to smacking each other, hurled a lot of insults back and forth. Although he didn't hear every word, he did file a detailed report.

While wriggling out from under the attacker, the Kindle said that the iPad needed to go on a diet: "You're too fat. I weigh in at only a little more than 10 ounces and you're more than twice that." The iPad had to think for a moment and then responded, "But I have a bigger screen." The Kindle drew up to its full height and gave the iPad a good hard smack as he screamed, "Bigger isn't always better."

The iPad then proceeded to get in a few good swift punches -- all the while boasting about being able to do a lot of different things, whereas the Kindle was just an electronic reader that could do nothing else. "So what," said the Kindle. "That's why a lot of people like me. When they want to relax and read, they don't want a lot of bells and whistles." Then the Kindle added, as he landed two well-placed left hooks, "And don't act like such a big shot. My battery life is much longer than yours. You don't have much energy at all. You're a lazy lump!"

The police were finally called in to make peace. Steve Jobs and Jeff Bezos, the fathers of the combatants, were called to come and collect their offspring. When Jobs arrived and heard that his kid had started the fracas, he was appalled and said to the iPad, "Learn to behave. It's not nice to act like that." The iPad was indignant, and responded, "But it's all your fault. When you were talking about Amazon and the Kindle you said, we are going to stand on their shoulders and go a little bit farther. That's exactly what I decided to do when I saw that stupid Kindle." Jobs smiled weakly, remained silent, and hustled the iPad to a waiting taxi.

In public, Bezos chided the Kindle, saying that fighting wasn't a good thing to do. But the taxi driver who drove Bezos and the Kindle home reported to The Spoof that Bezos had told his offspring, "Good work, kid. You got us some nice publicity on a slow Amazon news day." And the Kindle in reply quoted the 1779 comment of naval fighter Captain John Paul Jones: "I have not yet begun to fight."

This was just Round #1. Updates to follow.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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