Written by Manic Velocity
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Topics: Doctors, disease

Tuesday, 1 February 2005

image for Hearts are leading cause of heart disease, study finds
Doctors Timothy Webber (left) and James Seul study an MRI image of the human brain

A study conducted over the past 55 years has come to a close as doctors Timothy Webber and James Seul discovered today that hearts are the leading cause of various forms of heart disease.

"To quote one of my professors back in college..." said Dr. Seul, "'What a long strange trip it's been.'"

When asked how his work would impact medical science, Dr. Webber had this to say:

"I think it's going to push our current capabilities light years ahead. For years, people have been dropping like flies due to heart diseases and there wasn't much we could do to help. To discover something of this magnatude is really nothing short of a miracle, and maybe a little bit of dumb luck."

Now thanks to the findings of the two esteemed doctors, legislation is being put in place and equipment is being built that will remove a person's heart from their body at a very young age in order to prevent the spread of any diseases or cancers later in life. A mechanical device will of course be implanted into the body in place of the heart to provide blood flow. Tests of these devices have so far been proved unsuccessful, but Dr. Webber says that's what science is all about.

"Of course mistakes are going to be made. You can't make an omlette without breaking eggs. The best thing for us to do is learn from what we're doing wrong, and work to correct those mistakes."

"It's not that these implants aren't working," said Seul, "so much as they just aren't working well enough. We're testing them on baby calfs and other adorable farm animals. The pressure to stimulate bloodflow is there, there's just not enough pressure to keep the animal alive."

Treating this reporter to a full plate of veal in the hospital cafeteria, Suel and Webber mentioned quite often that their studies, trials, and solutions will be published next month in the anals of medical history. The 800 page report will detail what initiated the need for such a study, the study itself, and how Webber and Seul came to their conclusion. Webber and Seul expressed an interest in putting into motion a made-for-TV movie based on their study. Though they have yet to receive any response whatsoever from the studios to which they have pitched their idea.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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