Written by Jordan Baugher
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Saturday, 9 January 2010

image for Cooties Causes Cancer in Laboratory Rats
A cooties scanner records a positive test for the disease.

Rockefeller, NY - Scientists studying the effects of cooties in laboratory animals have found a strong correllation between infected animals and the development of cancer, particularly cancer of the genitals.

Says Bell Green, one of the researchers, "All these years we've been downplaying the severity of cooties, only to find that it's a killer as strong as, if not stronger than, smoking."

Children who have contracted cooties are advised not to touch other children, especially girls, as girls are especially virulent carriers of the disease.

The CDC has advised girls to 'stop voting, driving, or doing any other activities which could contribute to the current cooties outbreak.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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