Written by Helen Tarnation
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Topics: statistics

Saturday, 26 December 2009

image for Shocking proof: Statistics show nearly half of all people are below average
Chart showing the distribution of statistical population averages across variables and domains, +/- 0.4%

Roughly 94.7 percent of all facts are proved statistically, making statistics the top-ranked field in all scientific disciplines -- and the main source of all new discoveries.

Delving deeply into population statistics, statistician Devin Devlin has made a remarkable discovery: nearly half of all people are below average.

'It makes no difference what variable you choose to investigate', Devlin said. 'And you can adopt any metric. The result is always the same: 49.9999 percent of all people are below average.'

'You can look at height, weight, hair length, shoe size, IQ, income, education, dining habits, alcohol consumption, domestic abuse, personal phobias, frequency of bowel movements, number of pet animals, political leanings, airline flights, it makes no difference', he added.

49.9999 percent of all people were outraged at the news, and 49.9999 percent of those, or 24.99995 percent of all people, felt inclined to riot in the streets over the issue.

'I am not below average', said Bernie Boffin, who was thinking hard about rioting.

Boffin later decided not to riot after Devlin made another startling revelation: that those who felt inclined to riot were a minority.

'Now that I'm a minority, I can feel better about myself', Boffin said. 'Actually, I'm almost halfway inclined to protest instead, and to demand money from the government.'

In fact, Devlin's statistical discovery shows that 100 percent of everyone is a member of a minority group.

'This means we are all eligible for government subsidies', Devlin said.

BREAKING NEWSFLASH UPDATE! Not all hopeful rioters were calmed by the news that below-average persons were minorities. Riots erupted around the world.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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